The push and the pull

A friend recently admonished me to enjoy "the fall." Today was the unofficial first day of the fall. It was sunny, crispy, brilliant and crunchy under our feet. Tonight I fall inward, first bath, first cups of tea, and the settling that the fall is. I can't help but to delight in being a part of the fall and imagine all those that are in "the fall" together. I have also been thinking of movement in another way this week, the pulls and pushes of love. More specifically of parenting, but with Pete too. Miriam is in love with her Daddy right now. And while I know she loves me, it is strange and worth pondering being the less preferred parent. The lack of her pulling me in causes me to push towards her more. A wave of slight hurt crashes here and there. The tasks of parenting consume my hands and time but my heart is bent a little more this week towards her, to seeking her out. Whereas her infancy usually is seeking me to fill her needs. On the other hand, there have been countless times I am pulling away from Nori. Her desire for me has seemed bottomless most days since she was born. I sure this is partly being a new parent and fearing losing myself. But regardless I have pulled and compartmentalized away from her in a million small ways for most of her little life. This week after watching my sister "check" on her kids after they fall asleep, I have begun to do the same. I never dreamed of going in to her room willingly after she was alseep. But it is quite beautiful to put my love forward without it being demanded. To shine my heart forth. This is a saying from yoga that this week has resonanted in me as I care for the girls. Parenting, like any loving,ie spouse, is full of the routines, the tasks of food, play, talking, learning. Yet there is this movement in any relationship either pulling towards or away. As we enjoy the fall, may my heart shine forth intentionally and willingly to love and embrace the beautiful gift my children are to me.

Soccer and being a girl

So, Nori wants to take dance classes more than anything. And although I want to fulfill her dreams, part of me wants to avoid dance. It seems to hold false hopes of being all that I don't like about being a girl. Mainly, I want to guard her from focusing on her looks more than inner confidence. I don't want the applause to be her goal. Although, there is applause in sports, it seems that the true reward is the inner discipline and physical attainment. Do I feel this way purely because I was shaped positively thru sports? Probably, but I can't help but want her to have that feeling of accomplishment and self awareness. Of feeling that she is competent in her body and that she can succeed under pressure. To be a part of team. So, we decided to put her in soccer lessons this fall. Knowing that dance is coming in our (very soon) future, I had hoped to show her how wonderful sports can be. And so far, it is isn't a total flop. She loves the idea and kicking. And she isn't half bad, if there is even a way to gauge the quality of 3 year old YMCA soccer?! But what surprised me is her experience as a girl. There are two girls including her on team. It seems they usualy do the drills last and are grouped together often. There is no muscle mass difference between males and females at this age, so this is bit off putting to me. But even more bothersome is how I am seeing sports in a different way thru her "girly girl" lens. The shirts are red and aren't pretty. The running doesn't involve spinning or bowing. I can see clearly how sports are male dominated and how this has been so subtle most of my life I didn't even realize it. To be good at sports, I had to forsake my feminine parts and accentuate the masculine. I am aggressive and dominant enought to have no problem with this:) But what would it look like to have female led sports across the line? I am afraid this is just one small peek into seeing the world again as she grows up. And as I tell her almost daily: You are smart, strong AND pretty.

I am Ten months Big!

I haven't written on here in awhile! I have been too busy sleeping! About a month ago I started sleeping ALLLllll night long. It is really great. Mama puts me to bed around 630pm and I chillax in my crib until they come and get me, usually around 630 am. Usually when I wake up, I like to put my feet up the side of the crib and snuggle with Lovie and Bobo. We say our prayers and talk about what the day is going to be like. Then when Mama comes in I bubble with joy and spit Bobo out so I can nurse a bit. But when I hear a "pitter patter pitter patter" down the hallway, I start to kick and squeal and whip my head right to left looking for. . . NORI!!!! I get so excited to see her and want to play play play. I have been wanting to be right on top of her a lot lately, in the tub and when she is playing.Sometimes I accidentally pull her hair, but she is pretty patient with me. She is so much more exciting than Mom and Dad. When other kids are around that want to say hi to me, Nori is especially nice to me then, I think she likes to show me off a bit. My Mama has been doting on me a lot lately. I think it's the sleep thing. She raves about it all the time. She says I am the perfect baby. I feel super cool and accomplished. I think it's my first resume builder: sleeping thru the night (for REAL.) I mean 12 hours definitely meets the requirements. Besides that, I am super snuggly, pretty darn cute and calm. Mama says she is realizing that I hold my emotions on the inside. Like the other day when Grandma was holding me (I didn't know who the heck she was)- I was just kinda looking at her with a semi frown. Then Mama came back in the room and I could let my big girl front down and say "HELP! " I still don't have any separation anxiety usually. I easily go to anyone, although sometimes on the inside I have a bit of hesitancy, but no one would ever know. I love my Nanny Shirley. Usually when Mama gets home I don't even reach for her. Sometimes I do to make her feel better (she looks a little sad at the end of a day away from me), or if I remember that she produces that yummy breast milk. About nursing, there has been a lot less milk around since I started sleeping throught the night. I don't mind because I LOVE eating, especially meat. I had steak and eggs for breakfast today. I really love meatballs right now too. And pizza and all fruit, and popsicles, and yogurt, and. . . I still don't love cheese but I will eat it sometimes. And I found out this week that I dont have any nut allergies! Hurray! Can't wait to try those someday too. But back to nursing. Mama says she wants to nurse me until I was 4, but I don't think I will stay interested. I am usually not that hungry and would rather be playing than nursing. I think Mama may need me to nurse her a few more months though. She looks at me sooooo sad sometimes. Since I am the last baby, I really have to ham it up and put on my big baby eyes and let her hold me and rock me and pretend I will never grow up. I don't mind. I like her nose kisses and how she still gives me raspberries on my belly. I can do no wrong. Which is pretty great, especially because the big one gets in lots of trouble (all the time.) That's essentially the only time I cry, when Nori does. And BOY does she CRY!!! Usually I just join in to look cool, although sometimes I feel it's an instinctual cry to join in the little people against the big ones and I can't forsake her. I stop as soon as she does though. Geez, she cries a lot. It's kind of hard on the ears. I still only have two bottom teeth. Shirley says she can't believe I eat everything I do with only two teeth. Skills. I got em. Mama keeps feeling around in my mouth for more, but no signs yet. Mama says I am so gentle. I like to hold things gently and pick up things. When I want to get around with something I found, I just put it in my mouth. So sometimes I have multiple toys in my mouth crawling around looking like a dog playing fetch. It keeps the big one from taking my stuff too. I have several obsessions. The first is Mama's keys. I have loved them for months, other keys don't do it for me. Mama even got me a new set from the hardware store but they aren't nearly dirty enough for me to put in my mouth. One of my other loves is music! As soon as I hear it I scoot like a little crab and get as close as I can. I love to hum along with my own version of singing. This reminds Mama of when I was a baby and made a humming sound in my sleep. I like instruments too. Especially this little egg shaker I have in my room. Most of my toys make their way to Nori's room. So I have to hide any that I want to keep all to myself. But my biggest obsession is beverages- any size bottle, cup, sippie cup, can, glass, you name it- I want to drink it. I love beer bottles, juice boxes, mama's water bottle, soda bottles, wine glasses, pool water, bath water and the other day I even lifted a 2 liter of soda and tried to drink it. I dip my head in the tub and pool in hopes of getting a swig and I suck on the washcloth. And... oh watch out, you don't want to me the one trying to take a beverage away from me. I will lose my mind! Mama worries I have diabetes or some medical problem. I think it's just a fun hobby- there are so many different drinks out there to taste. Haven't found a liquid that's not yummy yet. AND I have a new name. Mama asked Nori what my nickname should be, she likes to call me Mira or Mia. And neither is really "sticking." so Nori said May. Mama said Mei Mei is little sister in Mandarin, so that's my new name! I love it. And clap my hands when someone calls me Mei Mei! And oh, I haven't mentioned Dada yet. I do love him so much. So far it's the only word I say with any consistency. I light up when he is around and love to lift my arms up for him to carry me. Mama is mad because the only time I say "mama" is when I am telling her off. ie when she tries to take a cup from me. And it usually followed by a whole conversation that she calls babbling. But I am really trying to say something. I even have intonations and exclamations to my talk. I learned how to sit up, crawl, pull up and cruise all in the same week back in May. It has made life pretty exciting. I didn't add any motor skills til this week. Now I can stand up in the middle of the room without holding onto anything. Mama says it looks like I am surfing I stand up real slow and keep my legs a little bent and smile away. I am super cute( I think I mentioned this) and a little short for my age. So I guess I will have to learn to stand up to see what's going on. Alright, I better go check and see what I am going to eat for dinner. And I have to practice my walking, hope to showing off my skills by my first bday in only a month! Love Mei Mei

Miriam is a HALF!

I am a HALF! My Mama says it was a really special time to celebrate me. I was happy to get the extra attention, although I don't really need it. Most of the time they just put me in a contraption (jumper, exersaucer, play mat) and I get to watch the circus- Nori and my parents. That's the real highlight of my life.
Most days, Nori throws a good tantrum and for some reason, I think it is hysterical. It keeps my attention and I can't stop laughing. Mama always tells Nori, "Mira is too little to understand yet." This is awesome and I plan on that being my excuse for the next 18 years to do what I want. I intend to continue to keep a low profile. Now that I have a lot of time on my hands and not much to talk about yet, I have been planning my childhood. I am going to be sweet, laid back and keep a smile on my face. This means I will get anything I want. I also sense that my mom will treat me as the baby long past my baby years, this is awesome too.
Nori distracts them most of the time with her bad behavior. That means I don't have to be super good, just smile when they look my way and keep on with my playing.
I already love my big sister so much. Not only is she entertainng with all of her intense emotions, but she also has done so much work on my parents to be ready for me.
They made her eat all this mushy baby food when she was my age- not me! They are too lazy and tired to feed me with a spoon so I get to play with real big people food. I love it! I get to mash mango, gnaw on bread and play with noodles. My mom read a book called "Baby Led Weaning," it might as well be called I am so happy I get to feed myself! Well, okay I am not actually getting much down but it's FUN.
Besides, I don't need much else besides my mom's booby milk. I can't get enough of that stuff.
I take the bottle anytime, anywhere from anyone and I love nursing at night. I wake up every 3-4 hours still because when my tummy is 7/8th full, I get MAD.
And my stats show it. I am 40% for height and 95% for weight. Miss Emily calls me a bowling ball. My mama says I am like a big pile of bread dough when she kneads me after bath with my lotion.
I don't think they are going to make me "cry it out" at night yet. Thanks again, to big sister, because 1) they are worried I might wake her up and 2) they blame the cry it out method for her her intense temper.

This week, sadly, I said good bye to my infant sleeper. Boy did I love that thing. It was so cozy and over the last couple of weeks I was so big I could push my feet and rock myself in it.One night when I didn't want to be in the crib, Mama put me back in the sleeper and I grabbed the sides like a long last friend.
The crib isn't too bad. I still have my Bobo and Lovie.
When I wake up in the morning or from a good nap, I like to spend some time journaling. I babble and talk to my Lovie, Bobo and say my prayers. I can do this indefinitely, usually Mom comes in after 15-20 minutes because she feels negligent.I am always happy to see her.
Over the weekend, they turned on my ceiling fan- say what?! I didn't know that thing moved!!!! I was so psyched. There also is a lot of other things I am begining to notice- like looking outside! This makes nursing hard sometimes during the day because I am more distracted. But, I make up for the missed milk at night. Mama doesn't think this is too cool.
I don't have any teeth yet,but I love to suck on my fingers which causes LOTS of drool.

Oh I almost forgot to mention- I love my Shirley! I get lots of attention from her and we go on walks all the time. Sometimes I get to ride in the Ergot carrier and I love this. I love being snuggly in general.
Mom says I am getting too big to carry around in the car seat and now that it is getting warmer, she takes me out to go in and out of Nori's school.

But then my toes are cold because one of my signature looks is no socks or shoes. Mom has tried everything, inlcuding three different pairs of shoes, but I always kick them off. I think the record time was 6 minutes of keeping them on. I think it's a great challenge, but Mama thinks it's frustrating, so she gave up. So, all winter even in cold weather, she takes me out without shoes and socks. She justifies it by saying it is the same as having my hands out.
My other signature look is my HAIR! It is everywhere! I never lost any of it! Besides getting a haircut at 4.5 months (just my bangs) My mom bought me a hair detangler made out of quinoa and says she spent more on in than she ever has on anything for herself. It helps as least in the morning to get it under control.

We had a great party to celebrate my HALF bday. Some friends came over and we had HALF a cake made out of whole wheat and bananas. I even got to try a bite! Nori didn't get sugar until her first bday. Ha ha ha. I love being the baby.
Lastly, my mom finally likes my name. She says Miriam didn't fit and she wanted to call me Mira from the beginning, but Dad didn't like Mira. But now she just calls me Mira (Daddy said he didn't mind) and she is so happy with it.
She wrote me a letter about how wonderful I am on my 6mos birthday. Then she looked up what Mira means and guess what? WONDERFUL!

I am going to be this many:3!!!

I am SOOOOoo excited, Jesus' birthday is finally over and now it is MINE. I have been counting the number of naps I have until the big day. And now I only have one more! I like to count on my fingers and show people, 3!! that is how many I will be.
Mama says that once I turn three I will be all grown up and have to start sharing. The past few months have been hard to realize that sharing can be fun. Sometimes I tell people, I don't want to share. I like NOT sharing, but the few times I have shared my toys, it feels pretty good. I do like to horde though. I have managed to stash 90% of Miriam's toys somewhere in my room.
When I fall asleep at night, there is a role call of toys expected to present: Lovie, Hoppy, Rabbit, Cutesie, Thea, the "moon," my flashlight. After roll call, Mama tucks me up to my chiny chiny chin. Then we repeat our bedtime mantras, "sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite." "See you when you wake up." "sweet dreams." " I love you so much" and then we blow kisses and catch them.
Then I stay in bed and fall asleep and don't get out until my clock is green! (6 something depending on what mama set it for.)
This sleep thing is easy now but BOY did I have a rough time this fall. Dad got in the habit of sleeping with me soon after Miriam was born because I was sick,then he decided no more Daddy in bed. That was trouble, I would scream and cry for HOURS every night because "I AM NOT TIRED" I would even throw up sometimes. Finally, the only thing I was truly influenced by was the threat to close the bedroom door.
For many nights they did close the door for about 5 minutes and I would kick and scream with all my might. Then when they would open it, I would hop in bed and stay in bed.
I find a lot of power in crying. When I feel powerless I cry and throw my body down on the floor.
This happens several times a day. Mama says I cry more than Miriam.
I am trying to learn to take deep breaths and relax before "losing it."
Mama says we need to continue to work on this and spend time cuddling more. I need lots of affection and when I feel powerless and I am crying my emotions overwhelm me. Mama is learning to hold me during those times.

Some favorite recent memories:
Playing in the snow and EATING the snow. I love to eat it!
I got a dollhouse for Christmas and when I received money for my bday I was allowed to pick out some furniture for the dollhouse online.It was cool to order it and then have it come in the mail.
When Mom didn't give me what I wanted, I reminded her "Sharing is caring."
I like to bargain for "two more minutes." of whatever I want to keep doing!

I finally got an appetite, after 3 years of not eating that much, I am HUNGRY. I have been eating everything in sight!
Yesterday, I tried Kale chips, korean bulgolgi, bean sprouts, and bran muffins.
One day I ate 6 pieces of lunch meat, two tortillas, an apple, just for lunch!
Just like the hungry caterpullar!

I adore my baby sister. I really do. Mama says it is a miracle. I have never been mad at her, nor upset because she gets more attention sometimes.
I like to bring her toys, to hug and kiss her, and I like to tuck her in and sing to her with Mama.
Mama says once she starts moving, this will change. But maybe she should just stay a baby forever, then we won't have any problems.

I am going to have a baby soon. Sometimes, I lift up my shirt and say "Mommy, my baby is going to come out soon." She says I have to be as tall as her first. So that's why I keep eating so much so I can grow up really big and be a mommy.

Yesterday, Fishy grew up into a Mommy. I came downstairs and fishy was 10 x as big! I couldn't believe it Mama says it was because she was eating all her seeds and vegetables. (or  she had to buy a new fish because the first one froze to death on the windowsill)
Now that she is so big, I am calling her Dorothy (just like Elmo's fish.)

I am starting to learn my letters. I now know N, M, and P. I am working on K and D.

One of my favorite things to do now, is to say I have a secret to tell you. . . and I whisper. . . I love you SO much.
And I do, I love my Mama and my Daddy and I love LIFE SO much.

xxoo

After Christmas thoughts. . .

Maybe the funniest line that Nori said this Christmas was, "When I grow up, I am going to hold Jesus." (When she saw a nativity scene in someone's yard.) This is of course a reflection of when we tell her that she can hold Miriam when she grows up. I do indeed hope that she holds Jesus dear,when she grows up, and chooses to follow Jesus.

Other laughing times were when after we finished opening the few gifts that santa brought, she said now it's MY birthday? Because we told her that after Jesus' bday was hers. Of course she hasn't been happy that his comes first. She also thought santa may come again after she took her nap.
It ends up we talked about santa very little, but did say he brought the gifts. She asked me directly if I bought something that she opened and I answered truthfully that I did, and that I helped santa a bit.
Another funny moment was when I took her stocking to the fabric store to get some fabric to make Miriam one. Nori sat down and tried to put it on her foot and exclaimed- "Mama, it's too big for me!"

Both girls adored the tree, and spent time just looking at it. This was especially fun for Miriam.
I loved just being in my PJs and being able to be present to play and be with them both.

Nori watched her first full movie, the Polar Express, with her cousins at Pappy's house. It was fun to watch her expressions as she was captivated by the story.

It is amazing as well how Nori loved giving presents. It seemed very apparent to me that this is the age where we can truly influence her more in how to build her character to be about others. She can be generous and hopefully we can model that to where it is the choice that feels good, not just receiving.

Advent

This Advent, I look down at Miriam and think- this is enough. Just to "come and adore" her everyday. To imagine how God chose to become a baby as I look at her perfectness. I keep thinking, "God truly believed in his product." He had a nose and boogies, and soft chubby legs and little nails that needed clipped. He humbled himself to need to nurse every two hours. To be dependent. What a wonderful God we have.

Miriam looks nothing like me. And I wonder if Mary shared some of my same sentiment- a feeling of caring for someone else's child?

Christmas thoughts

Last year, I had a huge Christmas "crisis" as I struggled with what to emphasize with Nori. This year, I am confronted with the same questions, but do feel in agreement with my resolve last year that Jesus would be the story I talked about the most. I remember my fear that Jesus would be too watered down and insincere if I attempted to correlate my dear religion to the craziness of Christmas in America. As Nori is begining to be exposed to the symbols around her, trees, lights, images of Santa, it is fun to see her brain make sense of it all. And I realize that she is on her own journey that I don't always control.

She told us that Santa is pretend, and that she wants to be Santa and wear a costume. She knows that Christmas is in honor of Jesus's birth so she sets up the nativity sets as though they were a birthday party- her all time favorite event. So I tell her that the star shows the way to the party and that people traveled from far away to bring gifts.She arranges them  and sings Happy Birthday to Jesus as she cradles him. Birthdays and babies- two things she "gets."

In line with her birthday obsession, she often states her birthday is "coming up." When I told her it was after Jesus's, she was not too happy and insisted hers come first.  When I ponder what she loves about birthdays, I realize it is the celebration spirit: the people coming together, the beauty of candles and cake, the decorations. But most of all, I imagine it is the "vibe" that I have put off around birthdays and the vibe that is present in these celebrations.  I pray that we can allow Christmas to be about this vibe of being together, of lovingly giving the "birthday kid" all the attention. 
I realize they left out the food in the manger scenes. Surely Mary was ravenous after giving birth and the first few days of nursing. And surely at a celebration there were treats for those that traveled "from afar."

In another vein, I have also been considering the threats of the "elf on the shelf" and Santa's naughty and nice list.  We were shopping and an older, ableit a little scary, woman whispered in Nori's ear, "you know who is coming? You better not be naughty," Nori was understandably confused, what does naughty mean? But really, who is coming? Advent is defined as Jesus is coming!  Much of our parenting a two year old includes the "if you ________, then you will get_____" phrases. I am exhausted by and unsure of these tactics at times. And surely, I don't want to make Christmas yet another behavior bribe. If we are going to allow religion to come into Christmas, shouldn't it reflect the beauty of God's grace, of unearned gifts?
I am also disturbed by how if there is a naughty and nice list, who is on the naughty list? And how sad for Nori to think that there might be kids somewhere that don't get gifts because they were bad.

So, today is St Nick's day. As I read about him, I am most struck by his love for children. Just because they are children, he cared for them and gave small treats. Children are in a sense the innocence of humanity, let's not suck them into our adult world of performance and earning.
So I think in some sense St Nick will come by our house, as the giver of gifts- just because. Not because anyone has been nice. As a reflection and celebration of the gift of the grace- of Jesus. And there will be food and joy and singing and candles.

I am two months old!

Hi everyone! It's Miriam:) I am so relaxed that my mom had to twist my arm to write in this blog.
I would rather chill out and enjoy the good life- boobs, sleeping and pooping.
My favorite past time to get my parents attention is throwing up. I spit up 3-4 times after every feeding. At least onece a day I throw in a good projectile vomiting. I like to do it in public places or when Mom doesn't have a burp cloth handy.
This morning was perfect, we were at Please Touch and Mom only brought her purse so she wouldn't have to carry much. I was nursing but she was trying to read the news on her phone and watch Nori in her Elmo costume (everyone thought she was sooo cute.) So I decided to remind Mom that I was around, huge vomit that went down her pants and all in the Ergo. Awesome.
I have been smiling a lot lately. I smile at Mom and Dad's faces the most. I also like my mobile and ceiling fans. Today I was acting like I didn't know how to hold the pacifier in my mouth, so Mama had to keep coming over to give in to me. About the 4th time I couldn't fake it anymore and just started smiling so much.When I smile my eyes disappear because they are small and my cheeks are big.
I haven't laughed yet, I am waiting for something worthy of it. So far it's pretty boring around her. The Big one talks A LOT and cries A LOT. I like it when she is around though because she always makes lots of noises with different toys and shows me them. Mom and Dad barely notice me, I am glad at least she does. Mom left me downstairs with her one morning and when she came back I was covered in stickers and had about 4 stuffed animals all around me.
Mama says I am EASY. I wake up two times at night to eat and sleep most of the day. When I sleep I make this humming noise that Mama says is her absolute favorite sound in the world. She has been video taping me trying to capture it. I also sleep with my eyes open sometimes- just to let them know not to try any funny business while I am sleeping.
I discovered TV this week! Dad usually lets me sleep on the couch with him in the evenings. He noticed that if he doesn't face me toward the TV I strain to look at it:)
Okay, got to get back to my beauty sleep. Don't wake me unless there's an emergency.
Love
Miriam

Meltdown

I finished Anne Lamont's "operating instructions" yesterday. Her words, a journal of her son's first year, have been food for my soul.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed  and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began.  I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
 All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.

"Time Off": A conversation about maternity leave. . .

I am on maternity leave. This "time off" has been passing week by week, yet somehow I still feel like I am floundering a bit in finding my direction with it. I am awkward in it.
An example of this is how I have lived the past 20 minutes.  I made lunch and sat down. Miriam was resting by herself. Then I decided to it would be nice to watch something on TV, I started and stopped 3 different movies. The first with subtitles, that won't work because I can't look at screen while nursing, etc., the second was too violent, the third I started and was just getting into when Miriam wanted to nurse. I nursed her, then she threw up, pooped through diaper. I changed her and kept trying to watch the movie. Then I finished my lunch. Miriam was falling asleep on me and then I remembered I wanted to practice my baby massage on her while Nori was napping still. She wasn't into the massage, and started to cry. I couldn't have her wake up Nori, so I stopped. But I didn't want to redress her in case I could do it later. I stopped the movie, but put some music on to keep Miriam soothed. I held Miriam, made a cup of tea, and attempted to read my book. Miriam fell asleep and I thought I "should" write on blog, so I transferred her to the couch.

I long for a guide to navigate me through this time. Something to help me manage the "wants", the "shoulds", the "need tos" that are in my head.
One voice says take care of yourself- watch movies, read books, drink tea.
Another says enjoy the newborn and do extra "super mom" stuff- learn baby massage, hold her for her naps, take her photo.
There's also the productive voice that tells me to put Miriam down if she's sleeping and do the laundry, clean out a cupboard, pay the bills.
This is all on top of  the requirements of the day that can't be avoided- feeding everyone, changing diapers, taking Nori to the potty, dressing ourselves.

So, you can see it can be a bit schizophrenic, this maternity leave thing. Which voice do I follow? There is no boss or deadline or way to measure my days. Just me, my voices, and these two crazy kids. Every day. All day.
The outside voices of others say,  "Enjoy your time off." or "Hope you're getting a lot done." or "You won't have time off like this again until you're retired." Although there are all well meaning,
these comments are anxiety producing for me because I fear- am I doing it right? They all emphasize how fast these time is going, which I realize and causes even more anxiety. Am I enjoying her enough? Am I resting enough? Am I getting enough done?
Of course all this "time off" is through the lens of sleeplessness and a good bit of hormonal instability. I was talking about my misdirection in this season with a friend this morning and she asked me to look at my time like a pie chart.
If that's the case, I would wager that 40% is spent in required activities- feeding, dressing, diapering, potty time, dishes. These we must do to survive. Another 10% is spent doing house stuff- laundry, cleaning, organizing. These things don't "have" to be done but if I don't do them I would be living in pig sty and really lose my sanity. That leaves 50% of my time to choose how to use.
 I would guess I spend 20% enjoying Miriam's newborn-ness,  playing with them both, or Nori centered activities. The other 20% I do things for me: naps, tea,friends, exercise, coffee (actually this should be under  the required survival category)books, movies.
That leaves 10%.
This is the time I am trying to make "count." I have thoughts of how I wish I could write and publish a  book on this topic of maternity leave during maternity leave to help other women. (Yes, sleeplessness causes unrealistic visions of grandeur.)  I should be making all my christmas gifts, canning applesauce, and cleaning out cupboards. I can feel unnecessary guilt at not tackling these. This would be one of my main topics in my book- let go of quilt and any desire to be accomplished:)

I had my 6 week postpartum check yesterday. It was nice to have a chance to sit and process Miriam's birth. To pause in all this "doing" to realize- a being, a LIFE, came through me and into our home and hearts. Regardless of how I am spending my days (and nights,) this is the highest calling- to be aware of the divinity all around me.To be present.
May this voice to "be present" be louder than all the others. Whether working at a job or on maternity leave, my family (me included) is not something to be managed- but enjoyed.
So as the day comes with all of its shoulds, wants, and have-tos, I hope to be present. The day will pass, one way or the other. My maternity leave will end soon. I hope the memories are snapshots of  beauty and not any great accomplishment. Then maybe years from now, I will come back to this blog posting and write that book.

Onesie anyone?

I've been thinking a lot the past month of how being a post partum mom and a newborn are a lot alike.
For starters, there is enough "bodily maintenance" to last all day. For baby- diapering, nursing, lotions, baths. For mom- diapering (oh yes!), nursing, lotions and baths. By the time we are both clean and fed it's noon and time to begin again.
I feel like I need to eat as often as she does- so hungry from breastfeeding!
Then there's the crying. Nori asks a million times a day- why is Miriam crying? And I reply with the same few answers "babies don't have words" or "sometimes we don't know why babies cry."  Sometimes Mommy cries and we don't know why too. And sometimes Mommy can't find words.
And the sleepiness. Miriam gets to drift in and out of this wonderful foggy state of being. I drift in and out of being coherent as well. We both look a bit glazed over most of the time.
The other evening when the weather got chillier, I woke up to find that I had swaddled myself in my sheets. She too finds comfort in being swaddled.
There is one thing that I don't get to have that she does. And I am jealous. She gets to wear those onesies that have the long sleeves to cover her hands. What a state of dependency to get to have your hands covered all day. And what a state of not doing anything, but allowing others to care for you.
I wish I could wear one and lay in bed all day.

Miriam's Hospital Stay

A lot has happened in the week since I have written. Miriam (and I ) were in the hospital for 3 nights. It started out with an afternoon of fussiness and when we took her temperature it was 101. Pete and I were off to the hospital with her after getting Nori situated.
Like most crises I find myself remaining calm and down playing the seriousness up to a certain point. When we started our adventure, my biggest concern was all the poking and prodding I knew they would put her thru. I wasn't that worried that something was actually "wrong."
Poked and prodded they surely did- drawing blood, urine catheter, xrays, lumbar puncture. They gave her some tylenol, her fever came down, and I was ready to go home to bed. She was cooing happily.

No such luck. We were told she would be admitted. I was still okay with this, thinking it would be one night and surely not too uncomfortable- we were at CHOP, supposedly the best hospital in the nation. They would have a nice spacious room for us to rest. My cool was fading fast after waiting several more hours for a room. I was  starting to lose it.We got to her room, Pete left. And I lost it.

Her temperature spiked to 103, they started 3-4 different anitbiotics, and was connected to heart monitors, pulse ox, ivs. Doctors and nurses filed in one after another to our room. They smiled and talked about things that were all starting to blur together. I would nod and try to appear calm.
Then the worst night of my life began.

Miriam was tethered to her array of machines next to a crib where she was expected to sleep. There was a small bed a few feet away where I was expected to sleep. The cords didn't reach.
There were several variables that no one addressed. She was two weeks old and I barely knew how to soothe, nurse and change her diaper at home, let alone in this jungle of cords, with nowhere for me to lay next to her (I did consider more than once climbing into the crib.) The most horrible fact was that  she was in terrible pain, moaning and whimpering with a fever of 103. The machines beeped, the hallway lights glared into our little torture chamber of a corner of a room and I haven't even mentioned our roommate yet. She was a few weeks old as well with just as many cries as Miriam and two parents that snored, boy did they snore.
I tried to comfort Miriam. Then I would lay her down and go to my cot. Five minutes later someone was crying- I was back up to see if it was Mira or our roomate. Then a machine would beep. The bathroom door would slam, a nurse would come in. I was delirious. I was delirious with the lack of sleep. I was trapped, like on an airplane ride that wouldn't end. And worst of all every few minutes I was overwhelmed with fear- my baby had a fever and the doctors kept saying "there is nothing else we can do." It was viral meningitis. 

For the next two days, her little body shook and moaned. She curled up on Pete or I's chest and we held her tight. In the daylight, things seemed a little better. I couldn't stopped crying. Maybe it was the postpartum hormones, or lack of sleep. But mostly it was feeling this little creature tremble, as though my own body was trembling. She came out of me two weeks ago. It was my blood and body that created her and pushed her into her miniature breathing and pooping self. And now stuck to me, my body wanted to do all it could to cause her to survive.
I entered this strange hyperalert state. I had no mental capability beyond nursing, holding her, crying, and eating. Man, I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was in survival mode and something told me to eat, to nurse, to stay awake.
There was of course, the occaional trip to the bathroom, a five minute no soap shower, or a visit from Nori or a friend.  These things were welcomed distractions, but before long, I was driven back to the room by a force greater than myself- to will this little baby to health. By day four, her fever broke. I could feel my heart relax. I thought about my bed at home. I was finally able to feel the fatigue.

During our stay, I didn't  pray. I had a faint feeling that God was present but I didn't feel the ability to enter into any spiritual part of myself. I was too consumed by this vigilant  mother state of doing things.
I was amazed at the friends and family that reached out with visits, with calls and texts. This was something tangible. I was held up by their love This was my faith when I couldn't summon the faith to talk directly to God. When I couldn't pray, others did.

Now, looking back, after many many hours of sleep, I wonder did I really believe God would help Miriam? Is my faith what I thought it was? Or maybe that is what believing is all about- realizing how little I believe.  Being able to be weak, to depend on friends and family, to love beyond where I know it is going "to be okay." To be mothered by God.

Oh- what love God must have for us, even if it is a fraction of what I feel for little Miriam.
We are blessed to be called children of God.

Someone's Mother-Again

I was looking at Miriam's birth photos today and was struck by the fact that I am someone's mother. The one who grew her inside of me, brought her into the world through me- literally. And now that she born, the one she is dependent on for life. The one who will adore and love her. The one who knows her little self more than any other. Yet today I realize I must enter this knowing of her with curiosity and patience. It was a long night.
Throughout the night, I didn't know if she wanted swaddled tighter, or to take it off. If she was hungry or too full and gasy. Was she hot or cold? Was her diaper wet bothering her? Did she want to be upright or on her side. All night we thrashed around the room together in a sea of blankets, leaking breast milk, pillows, nipple cream, snacks and spit up. Both her clothes and mine strewn everywhere in my attempts to adjust each of our temperatures multiple times throughout the night. I am surprised to find that my mothering is not as natural as I thought. After a night of trying "everything" to soothe her, my prayer this morning was- let me get to know Miriam Lord. I feel that I am not the mother I am supposed to be, the one that I feel I am for Nori in the sense of knowing her so well.
It is Monday, I was grateful to bring Nori to school and have a chance to just be Miriam's mom. To bath her slowly, trim her nails, massage her with special baby oil. And to lazily ponder over the past two weeks of her photos. I read a baby books re her development and spent five minutes sticking out my tongue to see if she will imitate me as the book says she may.  I dusted off the mobile and decided she would have "play time." After all this I called Pete and found myself crying on the phone. I didn't feel particularly hormonal before calling. I talked to him about the morning and how she was still fussy despite all my attention and energy. He seemed world's away in a place with adults that required him to be working. Here I was in this small bubble of a morning, with my baby. I cried because I felt alone, this bubble is meant to only hold the two of us today.

I hung up with Pete and debated a shower as I tried to continue to rock her as she whimpered.
Maybe a shower will make me feel more human and clear my mind. I looked down to realize she was asleep as I also realized I had forgotten the most logical explanation for her cries- she was hungry.
I hadn't fed for for over two hours.
Again, I am someone's mother, and I must start again in getting to know this little one. I need grace, I need showers. I need a little sleep and a little common sense wouldn't hurt either.

She's Here!

Tomorrow is Miriam's two week birthday. I just got back from the pool. It was the first time I exercised and the first time I was away from Miriam. Something about the trip to the pool felt like it ended the first small chapter in her life. There is so much to say about this first little blur of a chapter- where to begin?
 I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin.  I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity.  All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.

Mother of two

Yesterday was first day home with both Nori and Mira. It was more natural than I expected. There is a balancing between them, although Nori seems to require much more than Mira for now.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
 I cried once  because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days.  It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.

Lord, let me be thankful in all things, knowing you will give me my daily bread and having joy in all things that  you have given me.

From Mama

Nori,
I have loved these last days of us as "threesome." You are truly the delight of our hearts. You sparkle so much. And cause my heart to sparkle in return. We love your passion, your zeal. You exhaust us with your volatitily and dramatic-ness. But we wouldn't want you any other way than as you.
Can I really love another as I love you? But they say our love will only grow for you, but I am sad to imagine another capturing our hearts. But our hearts will grow to love you more because of her and to love her more because of you.
A prayer for my sister daughters-
May you always embrace her as your sister. The one you shared my womb with. The one who most closely shares your blood and flesh. May you always spur each other on to be better. To love others more, to love yourselves more, to be reflections of God's grace. To forgive each other and yourselves. May your relationship come from a place of authenticity and may you each be truly unique in our eyes and in yours.Amen.
We love you and believe in you Big Sister!

Mama

She's Coming!!!!

My Baby Sister is almost here!!! I can hardly wait. When I get excited that something is about to happen, I ask Mama, "To-Now?!!!" There's today, tomorrow, tonight, why not to-now? Mommy says no, not to-now, but soon!!
Mama has been talking to me a lot about Baby Sister. She says that when she comes Mama is going to have to rest in bed for a few days. I am going to be her BIG helper. And I will have to play by myself more because Mama will be nursing Baby Sister. I pulled my shirt up the other day and discovered that "I have boobies too!" And that I will have milk for Baby Sister too, then Mommy can rest more.
Daddy says he doesn't have any milk, I guess he won't be doing any nursing.
Sometimes I look in Mommy's belly button and see Baby Sister, she is SOoooo cute. She likes to kick me sometimes. Mama says when she comes out she will give Mama an ouchie and I said, "Baby Sister- don't hit my Mommy!" I like to listen to Mommy's belly too. The other day, Baby Sister told me she wants to come home now.
And then there's the whole bit about sharing. Daddy and Mommy both like to talk about sharing A LOT lately. I think sharing is over rated. Who likes sharing and why? Mommy and Daddy's friends like to say, "I am in for a big suprise," when Baby Sister comes. I love suprises, so this doesn't sound too bad to me.

In other news, I started SCHOOL a few weeks ago. I love it! I love the teachers, the art projects, and all my new friends. I still cry "just a little bit" when Mommy and Daddy drop me off. They say I am dramatic. I guess they are refering to how I flail my body around and scream when they leave. Then within a few minutes I get into my day at school. Mommy and Daddy really love my school too, they say it is better than they expected and that they like the curriculum, the teachers and all the stimulus it gives me. The other day I told Mom (I like to call her this every once in while to show her how grown up I am) that "Sometimes I ride the school bus to school." She was impressed, but then I heard her talking to Daddy- something about my first lie. I wonder what a lie is.

When Baby Sister comes, I am in charge of getting her party ready!! I am so excited! I picked out a cake mix and I am going to blow up balloons.
Mama and Daddy are going to go to the Doctor's to get her. I go with Mama to the Doctor's to check on her every week now. I get to hold the tape measure to measure her, press the button to listen to her heart, and then I get my heart checked to.
Mama says that I was born at the same place. When I came out, I was a little baby too! Now I am growing up! I can even dress and undress myself most days.  Sometimes at night or in the morning I get dressed by myself on top of my PJs. I also like trying on all my different shoes. Mama found me once surrounded by three of my favorite pairs, fast asleep. I wear underewears now sometimes too. I like to try to use the potty at least once a day, but usually nothing comes out except farts.

The three of us have had SO much fun this summer. We went camping!  I got to ride in a boat, roast marshmallows and sleep in a tent! We had lots of fun day trips too. I went to Nana and Pappy's for a weekend with Mama. Mama and I enjoyed our days together during the week so much. We felt like the perfect duo. Yesterday we took the blanket to the playground so we could lay back and imagine what all the clouds could be. And I have been swimming LOTS. We found a pool where I can where my floaties and swim without any help from Mommy or Daddy! Mommy says I am "pure delight" when I swim. I feel like I just bubble over with joy because I am so happy and feel so many wonderful sensations swimming in the water.

I guess I will have to "share" my blog with Baby Sister too. I wonder what we call it now.
Wish me luck! I will write again once she is here!

My Dog Park Room

Now that I am going to be a BIG sister, I got a new room! Mama calls it a "forest" theme. But the only forest I go for walks in is the dog park, so I call it my dog park room.

Outerbanks 2012