The Story of Nori and Miriam's Song

Monday, November 28, 2011

Going to Haiti/Leaving Nori

I am on the plane to Haiti, leaving Nori for four days.
The past few weeks have been as sweet as honey. Just being with her has been pure joy. Nori has been moving out of her "mommyitis" into a more peaceful and confident state. It is beautiful to see her brain grow to process the world, ideas of "permanence" (mommy is still there when she leaves the room) and to see her emotions even out as she learns these new things. But behind her emotions, her brain, is her spirit. And the older she grows the more I see her spirit clearly. It has been the most consistent part of her as her body and behavior grow. And boy is she a "spirited spirit!" She is intense, perceptive, sensitive, particular and so so so much fun. I absolutely love her love of life. This sweet season combined with impending anxiety about leaving for the Haiti trip has allowed me to truly cherish time with her.
At least once a day she will do or say something that completely melts my heart and there are literally bubbles of joy that fill my chest. I feel it may burst. Yesterday she wanted to push her stuffed animal in her toy stroller. When we got to the cracked sidewalk she picks the whole thing up and then sets it down, patting the animal on the head.
Is there any love like this? In some ways she is still at the stage of feeling like my baby. In a physical sense, her body is still an extension of mine. When she crawls into my arms, her legs wrapped around, I can still feel that she is flesh of my flesh. The other day, I was remembering her inside of me. Looking back with a fondness that I didn't know then, because I did not know her yet. Almost how you would look back spending time with a spouse before you even dated. The intimacy we know now brings an exciting newness to those memories. To remember her feet kicking me brings a smile. Her smells, her sounds, her skin, even her poop, are all so known to me now, as though she is me. We know each other in many ways more intimately than lovers. And we are reflections of each other in not only genetics, but in adapting our habits to become like one another. Again, the Pete and I have become like each other in some ways over the years. And him like Nori and Nori like him. So much of this happens under the surface that there is no telling sometime what came from who and we are in the purest sense- family.
And yet there is this space between us that is both magical and frightening. Leaving the house this morning reminded me of the illusion of control I have. She is not me. She is not mine. To walk away for four days at times feels "not right" because of our intimate daily rhythms. Yet it is this space that makes me humbly remember she is her own. She is cared for not ultimately by me, but by God and the village that is her friends and family. And it is this space that love loves too, not only closeness. In this space we are each our own unique spark created differently.
I wanted to talk to her about leaving, so last night I told her Mama was going on a trip. "Mama, trip, Mama, trip. . ." she said for the next 30 minutes. I held up four fingers and lowered them as I counted. Four days and then I will be back. "Mama, back, mama, back." Daddy will be with you. And you know who else? "Shirley." That's right and who else? "Saty (the other toddler Shirley watches with her) , babyyyyyy, bella." That's right and who else? "Daddy?" We put a picture of us in her crib. She cried going to sleep more than usual. Mama cried a little too. It felt like an authentic attempt for both of us to be honest in leaving. I had peace.
I have barely left Philly and I am already overwhelmingly grateful for this trip. I have cherished each moment I have with her over the last few weeks and that presentness is something I long for so much in life. Not only with her. Maybe it was this presentness that eased her separation anxiety?
I pray for presentness in the four days in Haiti. I don't want to miss any of what I am to experience there. And in this break from mothering, from the vertical transmission of care, to receive and know myself as other than a mother.
Last night Nori, Bella and I went to the park and ran errands. What is usually a "getting through" few hours before bed, was instead a magical time that I didn't want to end. Maybe it was the perfect fall weather, the brilliant trees, Nori's new attempt to sing in the car, blowing each other kisses and holding hands. Or maybe it was the gift of not wanting time to go forward or backwards, but to simply be. I have felt this before, when I fell in love with my husband. And now again: love.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I am a year and a HALF!

I am 18 months old and life couldn't be better! Summer is super cool: swimming, gardening, ice cream, fresh fruit and running around in my diaper. This is the life.
You probably heard- I FINALLY weaned Mommy. She seems a little sad sometimes so I give her extra cuddles and let them read to me now. I really love to see all the pictures in the books and imagine all the fun places and things I have yet to explore.
I am really into animals and their sounds right now. My favorite is ROARING like a lion. When there is an animal I don't know, I just roar and both Mama and Dada laugh so hard. Mom was trying to teach me new body parts and said "cheek" and I started to "bok" like a chicken. They get a kick out of me.
I am also really into spying cats when we are out and about.I usually don't get to pet too many though, they always run away. But BOY do I get to pet lots of dogs at the dog park. There are fluffy ones, smooth ones and ones with big teeth. (There is one with NO tail too, not sure what happened to him.) After I pet all the dogs and say "woof woof" to each of them I like to take a plastic bag and do what all the big people do, bend over, scrunch up the bag and then tuck in under my arm. I do this over and over and everyone laughs. Mama says it's because I am pretending to pick up dog poop. I'm just trying to be a grown-up. I like grown up things a lot and like to mimic, but I also love being a baby still. I guess that's what being a toddler is all about, I get the best of both worlds. When I don't want to behave I can still claim "baby" status!
I have lots of new words and the most useful ones are: help (they come right over), pool (used to denote any body of water), and spoon (for any eating utensil).
Daddy has been home a lot more this summer because his project at work is done. It has been so fun to spend lots of time with him. So far we went to New England, NYC, the Jersey Shore, Harrisburg, and to Nana and Pappy's. We are going to go camping in a few weeks and I can't wait to sleep in the tent and get super dirty.
Speaking of pools, Daddy bought me a HUGE deluxe pool for the backyard with a slide and waterfall. When Mama is around she doesn't get it out and says it's the "bane" of her existence. She gives me an old bucket to sit in. But if Dad is home he totally pimps out our backyard for me. One day my boyfriends came over to swim and I was the cool kid on the block. I like swimming at the public pools too. There is LOTS to watch there. I even put my face in on my own last week.
The other big change this summer is that Shirley now comes to my house!! We both miss Jona and went to visit him once, but I have a new friend- a BABY! It's hard not to take the baby's bobos, but I am learning to mature now that I am the older one. But when the baby isn't around, I can still sneak into her swing, it is soooo fun.
I am eating better now, still not gaining A LOT of weight, but Mom and Dad don't chase me around with food anymore. Sometimes I eat a lot but if I don't feel well I don't like to eat. The doctor says this is okay. I am 25% for my weight and 75% for my height.
My favorite foods are: cheese, pasta and ice cream cones. And juice boxes, especially when I am allowed to hold them myself.
Mama keeps talking about trying to call the Bobo fairy, but I keep hiding her number. I LOVE my bobo (pacifier) and lovey (blanket.)
Mom and Dad refer to them as "my friends" because they think I don't know what they are talking about, but I do. I usually only get to have them when I am sleeping. But if I get really fussy when they are trying to do something adult-like, I usually get my way.
I love playing "mommy" and feeding, dressing and rocking my baby dolls. I also LOVE shoes, jewelry and bags. Daddy says he is in trouble.
Yesterday, Mama, Miss Emily and I went to the mall and Whoah!!!! there was a shoe section that had shoes everywhere. As fast as I could, I sat on the floor, took off my shoes and started trying them on. I liked the purple sparkly ones best. I kept asking for the other shoe to the pair, but Mom said at the store there is only one out at a time. That's weird.
Speaking of stores, I don't like sitting the cart anymore, there is too much to explore. Mama says I am a hurricane. I like to think of it as creative, just like her.
One more thing before I go- I got a new toothbrush and for some reason it tickles me when Mama is brushing my teeth! I laughed so hard last night I fell down!