OBX

Vacation number two this spring was our family vacation in the Outerbanks. The past 6 weeks have been such a blessed season for us that we hardly felt like we "needed" a vacation. Nori has been in a wonderfully content and fun stage and we have been fully enjoying all of springs wonders: the garden, swimming, and longer days.
Our trip to the beach was an extension of that joy and we loved spending time together. Instead of feeling the need to pull away for our own rest, we wanted to spend all the time we could with her.
She loved it all!
Here's what she had to say. . .
I stayed in a PINK beach house for a whole week. At first I called it "Hannah's beach house" because I thought it was where she lived, but then Mama told me it was mine too!
I got to ride on my tricycle everyday down to the beach. I still don't want to let them know I can pedal, so I place my feet up high and enjoy the ride. I liked carrying my bookbag and my beach chair on my shoulders. I looked SO grown up.
I also got to take trips on the back of Mama's bike-fun!
Everyday I was more brave with the ocean. At first I just liked to get my feet wet, but by Friday I loved being held up to my chin as the waves took me up and down, "up and down" I would say and scream with delight.
One day I had a BAD ear infection and had to go to the hospital. When we came back, Mama took me down to the beach just to say hi to everyone and then go back to the house to rest. But it ended up being the therapy I needed. I cozied between Mama's legs as she sat in the surf and for the first time all day was not crying or thinking about my ear!Mama said she was so happy to see my smile again. I think the surf was therapy for her to after hearing me scream for so long.
But even more than the ocean, I loved the sand. At times, I just layed on my belly and felt its goodness all over me. I loved building, and using water to make masterpieces. Daddy helped me make  A LOT of sandcastles, mouts and animals, my favorite was the crocodile.
Nana taught me how to look for shells. Sometimes I would go for a walk and collect them in a bucket and other times I would go in the surf and see what the sifter would pull up.
I liked putting the shells on my necklace.
Daddy helped me fly my kite!! twice! It was so fun to hold it and make the fish move through the sky.
I had tons of fun with my cousins. I played well with Hannah and Emma but Molly and I kept fighting over the same toys. She doesn't talk yet, but surely knows how to push my buttons!
We went fishing at the nature center but didn't catch any fish.
I had so much fun, that when it was time to leave, I cried, "I don't wanna go home." Mama cried a little too because she said it broke her heart to see how sad I was. But then she told me we get to go back next year- can't wait!!

First Phillies Game

I had so much fun at the Phillies game last night! I loved all the people, but whoah- there sure were a lot!!
I held tight to Daddy's hand. I liked watching the players down close. Then when we went to our seats, I kept saying "I want to go down there and play with the ball." It seemed so far away!
I don't know why, but every once in awhile everyone would stand up and scream and clap. I loved it and yet it made me want to cover my ears!!

My favorite part was that EVERYONE had on my shirt! I couldn't believe it. All those people want to be like me!

Nori's Vacation from her Parents

The first week of May, Pete and I went on vacation for a whole WEEK to Belize. In preparing to leave, I had waves of angst and doubt. Is it natural for parents to "abandon" their child for a week? Will she understand? And I had equal moments of justification. I NEEDed a break. It is okay and good to care for ourselves. In building and nuturing ourselves and each other, we will be better parents. A few days before we left, she had another ear infection and somehow this internal battle shifted to- "I am leaving and deserve a break. Nori will be fine, more importantly I will be fine. Adios." We left and did we EVER enjoy it. It was such a peaceful and non stressful vacation. The beach was gorgeous, the water, the sun, the lack of schedule. The big open expanses of time with nothing to do! And the adventure of good food, snorkeling, jungle treking and tubing. And of course, by mid week we sorely missed Nori. I had to discipline my heart to not dwell on her and didn't look at her photo until on the plane home. By day 4-5, our schedule had slowed down it was hard to not feel heart broken. But that was okay, to miss her, to feel the distance that separates us not only when we are miles apart. Even living under the same roof- we are separate people. And this was a good reminder. We checked email several times a day to hear news of her, and it was all good news, according to my sister she was doing great.We hoped this was true, but could hardly believe when it was not only true, but beyond that. She slept perfectly, she didn't ask for us once?! and played well with her cousins. When we returned home, I expected some regression, but much to our suprise- she had taken a huge step forward in her development. I saw it in her eyes, the first Monday we were home: independence. She is okay in herself. She doesn't have as much anxiety leaving us when we go to work. She is falling asleep on her own with no crying or stress. She figured out that she is part introvert. She needs her time waking up along in the morning and unwinding at night. So, in the end, she needed a vacation from us! We are so proud of her for taking this development step. Not to mention, proud of ourselves for allowing her the space to do it.

Happy to see you Bobo!

Nori now warmly greeted her Bobo with "Happy to see you Bobo," and fell asleep by herself for a few blessed days. BUT then she acquires croup (again) over the weekend, says good bye to her life long friend the dog Bella, and has ended up back in our bed every night around 1-2 am.
There are so many questions around sleep that I have. Do you work towards your overall goal or just make it through the day? Right now, it's working for all three of us to have her fall asleep on her own in the big girl bed with "big girl" bobo and then like clock work she wakes in the middle of the night to move to our bed.
And when I say she wakes, she wakes screaming bloody murder and kicks and fails her body until we lay with her in bed. Forget a stop at the bathroom for Mama to pee, no way, that would be more drama.
Is she inately so intense or did our sleep training (when she was younger) scar her?
Would we do things differently if we did it again with Nori? with the new baby?
I guess why these questions weigh so heavily on me is because I feel in some way it is a sign of a successful parent to have a independent sleeping child.
Why do I feel that way?
Why do I feel like the nights of the three of us sleeping happily together are a failure? She loves now to wrap her arms around one of our necks as she in sleeping. She keeps track of the other parent by feeling with her feet (ie kicking us) all night.
It is adorable. Why I am wanting her to grow up so badly- to be an independent sleeper? In some way it feels like it is a slipperly slope of requiring more of my time and space that I may be unable or unwilling? to give. I feel as a Mom I need to protect myself in some way from "losing it all" in the abominale pit of motherly duties.
So I pull back. I set boundaries. I lower my tolerance.
Today's scripture is when Jesus washed the disciples feet. He spoke of loving one another in a way that causes us to lay down our lives. I have drawn lines in "protection" of myself. Is crossing these lines what Jesus is asking of me?

Easter 2012

Bye Bye Bobo= Hello Disaster

A week ago today, I left work went home and casually said "Bye Bye Bobo," just as we had rehearsed. The months of conversations were had. I illustrated and published a book!, for goodness sake, all culminating in this very important step of saying good- bye to Nori's pacifier. Truly, I thought we had been prepared for this. We were doing the right thing.
Boy, was I wrong.
We have had 6 nights of 2-3 hour screaming, vomiting, climbing out of the crib, and good old body slamming protest. The funny thing is that she never asked for Bobo. A few times she said through her sobbing, "No more bobo. Nori is a big girl."
So we went on. Back and forth between crib and big girl bed. Eventually we had to fall asleep with her either in our bed or her big bed.
Did she want the big girl bed because she associated no more bobo with no more crib, ie. baby bed? We felt that two transitions were too much at once. And it was. She crawls right out of the big girl bed and down the hallway she goes.
She is so incredibly smart that I know she understands what we are saying and what she needs to do. But she can't(won't) fall asleep on her own. I think at first she tried to. Now it just seems like habit- as soon as it is bed time- her body switches over to full protest mode. She becomes an animal acting to protect herself.
Did we do "cry it out" too much when she was younger? Did she learn that she has to be violently upset to protect herself? Does she trust us? So many agonizing questions between our tears, and her literaly glass shattering cries that have filled our house for a week.
Oh, and there hasn't been one nap in a week either.
Mind you, for the past year of her life there has been only 2 days I can recall she hasn't napped. And no memory, not one, of her not falling asleep on her own. When she has had ear infections, she wakes up later in the night upset, but goes to bed fine.
So- what on earth have we done? to her? to us? to our peaceful lives? to sleep?!!
Oh, how I wish I could go back in time 7 days. But we would never have known.
So, we pressed on every night, thinking something would give.
And yesterday, it did. As I passed the Rite Aid, I pulled in. I walked in and spent 7 dollars for two new, sparkly, party print, Bobos. You would have thought I was making a drug deal. I felt out of control excited at the prospects this piece of plastic could bring to me. I felt guilty as though I should hide them. Yet, I just wanted to hold them in my hand and believe. Believe my life's rhythm would return.
With as high an energy kid as Nori is, we rely, we thrive off her steady sleep schedule.
And now with all that out of the window, I am humbled. I am at my end and the begining of true motherhood - the place of sacrifice, bewilderment, and heart break.
We gave Nori the new Bobo last night and explained we realized she wasn't ready to say bye yet. To be honest, I expected a miracle, for me to lay her in the crib and to pretend that the last week was simply a bad dream.
But she was out of the crib in 10 seconds, now that her protesting has taught her that skill. She ended up in the big girl bed. But there was progress in that I sat next to her as she fell asleep instead of laying with her.
Hopefully, we can fade this out. I am tired.
And once again, I am humbled in awe of how little I can control things and overwhelmed at this task of parenting.

I am gonna be a big sister!

I can hardly wait. I love babies and taking care of them. I think Mommy's baby is stuck, it hasn't come out yet. I like to point out that Baby has TWO milks on Mommy's chest. I also like to tell other people where the baby will come out. Mommy and Daddy are getting my new room ready. I am so excited to sleep in a big girl bed. I also like to talk about how I am going to say "Bye Bye Bobo," because Bobos are for babies. I am not sure I am going to like that one.
Speaking of growing up, they are still trying to get me to use the potty, but I am not interested. Diapers are so much more convenient.
I like to say MINE to everything that I like. This doesn't go so well when I am playing with other kids my age. Mommy says she is sorry to the other Mommies a lot. Once I was saying MINE so much that another baby touched my face and I said "MY FACE." Mommy's instinct was to tell me, "share your body." Daddy got mad and said "NO- don't ever share your body." I think they are going to have some differences when I 'm a teenager!
One of my favorite sayings lately is "no home." I would much rather be on an adventure somewhere than at home. Every time I see a school bus, I want to get on. Mommy told me I have to go alone, because no mommies are allowed on the school bus. I told her it was because Mommies are too noisy.
I have had LOTS of ear infections this winter:( They make me wake up EARLY in the morning, like 4am. Mama is very grouchy and tells me that the sun is still sleeping. One morning I was even more grouchy than she was and just kept screaming at the sun to wake up. Mama says I am in charge of a lot of things, but not the sun.
Whenever I get an ouchie anywhere, I like to put the bandaid on my hand, then I can see it an it makes me feel better:) I go through about a box on bandaids a month.

Lately I have been taking my clothes on and off. Well, mainly off. It is harder to put them back on without getting stuck.
Yesterday when Mommy came into my room in the morning, I was completely naked. I was being very quiet and saying "shhhhh baby in mama's belly is sleeping."
Mommy laughed at me.
My other new saying is "soooooo happy to see you." when guests come over. And "thank you for coming," when they leave.
Oh- before I forget, I only have ONE more day with Bobo. Tomorrow is doomsday!! no more bobo????!! I will let you know next week how it went. I have a feeling I will figure out how to keep bobo.