I was looking at Miriam's birth photos today and was struck by the fact that I am someone's mother. The one who grew her inside of me, brought her into the world through me- literally. And now that she born, the one she is dependent on for life. The one who will adore and love her. The one who knows her little self more than any other. Yet today I realize I must enter this knowing of her with curiosity and patience. It was a long night.
Throughout the night, I didn't know if she wanted swaddled tighter, or
to take it off. If she was hungry or too full and gasy. Was she hot or
cold? Was her diaper wet bothering her? Did she want to be upright or on
her side. All night we thrashed around the room together in a sea of
blankets, leaking breast milk, pillows, nipple cream, snacks and spit up.
Both her clothes and mine strewn everywhere in my attempts to adjust
each of our temperatures multiple times throughout the night. I am
surprised to find that my mothering is not as natural as I thought. After a night of trying "everything" to soothe her, my prayer this
morning was- let me get to know Miriam Lord. I feel that I am not the
mother I am supposed to be, the one that I feel I am for Nori in the
sense of knowing her so well.
It is Monday, I was grateful to bring Nori to school and have a chance to just be Miriam's mom. To bath her slowly, trim her nails, massage her with special baby oil. And to lazily ponder over the past two weeks of her photos. I read a baby books re her development and spent five minutes sticking out my tongue to see if she will imitate me as the book says she may. I dusted off the mobile and decided she would have "play time." After all this I called Pete and found myself crying on the phone. I didn't feel particularly hormonal before calling. I talked to him about the morning and how she was still fussy despite all my attention and energy. He seemed world's away in a place with adults that required him to be working. Here I was in this small bubble of a morning, with my baby. I cried because I felt alone, this bubble is meant to only hold the two of us today.
I hung up with Pete and debated a shower as I tried to continue to rock her as she whimpered.
Maybe a shower will make me feel more human and clear my mind. I looked down to realize she was asleep as I also realized I had forgotten the most logical explanation for her cries- she was hungry.
I hadn't fed for for over two hours.
Again, I am someone's mother, and I must start again in getting to know this little one. I need grace, I need showers. I need a little sleep and a little common sense wouldn't hurt either.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
She's Here!
Tomorrow is Miriam's two week birthday. I just got back from the pool. It was the first time I exercised and the first time I was away from Miriam. Something about the trip to the pool felt like it ended the first small chapter in her life. There is so much to say about this first little blur of a chapter- where to begin?
I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin. I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity. All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.
I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin. I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity. All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.
Mother of two
Yesterday was first day home with both Nori and Mira. It was more natural than I expected. There is a balancing between them, although Nori seems to require much more than Mira for now.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
I cried once because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days. It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.
Lord, let me be thankful in all things, knowing you will give me my daily bread and having joy in all things that you have given me.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
I cried once because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days. It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
From Mama
Nori,
I have loved these last days of us as "threesome." You are truly the delight of our hearts. You sparkle so much. And cause my heart to sparkle in return. We love your passion, your zeal. You exhaust us with your volatitily and dramatic-ness. But we wouldn't want you any other way than as you.
Can I really love another as I love you? But they say our love will only grow for you, but I am sad to imagine another capturing our hearts. But our hearts will grow to love you more because of her and to love her more because of you.
A prayer for my sister daughters-
May you always embrace her as your sister. The one you shared my womb with. The one who most closely shares your blood and flesh. May you always spur each other on to be better. To love others more, to love yourselves more, to be reflections of God's grace. To forgive each other and yourselves. May your relationship come from a place of authenticity and may you each be truly unique in our eyes and in yours.Amen.
We love you and believe in you Big Sister!
Mama
I have loved these last days of us as "threesome." You are truly the delight of our hearts. You sparkle so much. And cause my heart to sparkle in return. We love your passion, your zeal. You exhaust us with your volatitily and dramatic-ness. But we wouldn't want you any other way than as you.
Can I really love another as I love you? But they say our love will only grow for you, but I am sad to imagine another capturing our hearts. But our hearts will grow to love you more because of her and to love her more because of you.
A prayer for my sister daughters-
May you always embrace her as your sister. The one you shared my womb with. The one who most closely shares your blood and flesh. May you always spur each other on to be better. To love others more, to love yourselves more, to be reflections of God's grace. To forgive each other and yourselves. May your relationship come from a place of authenticity and may you each be truly unique in our eyes and in yours.Amen.
We love you and believe in you Big Sister!
Mama
Monday, August 20, 2012
She's Coming!!!!
My Baby Sister is almost here!!! I can hardly wait. When I get excited that something is about to happen, I ask Mama, "To-Now?!!!" There's today, tomorrow, tonight, why not to-now? Mommy says no, not to-now, but soon!!
Mama has been talking to me a lot about Baby Sister. She says that when she comes Mama is going to have to rest in bed for a few days. I am going to be her BIG helper. And I will have to play by myself more because Mama will be nursing Baby Sister. I pulled my shirt up the other day and discovered that "I have boobies too!" And that I will have milk for Baby Sister too, then Mommy can rest more.
Daddy says he doesn't have any milk, I guess he won't be doing any nursing.
Sometimes I look in Mommy's belly button and see Baby Sister, she is SOoooo cute. She likes to kick me sometimes. Mama says when she comes out she will give Mama an ouchie and I said, "Baby Sister- don't hit my Mommy!" I like to listen to Mommy's belly too. The other day, Baby Sister told me she wants to come home now.
And then there's the whole bit about sharing. Daddy and Mommy both like to talk about sharing A LOT lately. I think sharing is over rated. Who likes sharing and why? Mommy and Daddy's friends like to say, "I am in for a big suprise," when Baby Sister comes. I love suprises, so this doesn't sound too bad to me.
In other news, I started SCHOOL a few weeks ago. I love it! I love the teachers, the art projects, and all my new friends. I still cry "just a little bit" when Mommy and Daddy drop me off. They say I am dramatic. I guess they are refering to how I flail my body around and scream when they leave. Then within a few minutes I get into my day at school. Mommy and Daddy really love my school too, they say it is better than they expected and that they like the curriculum, the teachers and all the stimulus it gives me. The other day I told Mom (I like to call her this every once in while to show her how grown up I am) that "Sometimes I ride the school bus to school." She was impressed, but then I heard her talking to Daddy- something about my first lie. I wonder what a lie is.
When Baby Sister comes, I am in charge of getting her party ready!! I am so excited! I picked out a cake mix and I am going to blow up balloons.
Mama and Daddy are going to go to the Doctor's to get her. I go with Mama to the Doctor's to check on her every week now. I get to hold the tape measure to measure her, press the button to listen to her heart, and then I get my heart checked to.
Mama says that I was born at the same place. When I came out, I was a little baby too! Now I am growing up! I can even dress and undress myself most days. Sometimes at night or in the morning I get dressed by myself on top of my PJs. I also like trying on all my different shoes. Mama found me once surrounded by three of my favorite pairs, fast asleep. I wear underewears now sometimes too. I like to try to use the potty at least once a day, but usually nothing comes out except farts.
The three of us have had SO much fun this summer. We went camping! I got to ride in a boat, roast marshmallows and sleep in a tent! We had lots of fun day trips too. I went to Nana and Pappy's for a weekend with Mama. Mama and I enjoyed our days together during the week so much. We felt like the perfect duo. Yesterday we took the blanket to the playground so we could lay back and imagine what all the clouds could be. And I have been swimming LOTS. We found a pool where I can where my floaties and swim without any help from Mommy or Daddy! Mommy says I am "pure delight" when I swim. I feel like I just bubble over with joy because I am so happy and feel so many wonderful sensations swimming in the water.
I guess I will have to "share" my blog with Baby Sister too. I wonder what we call it now.
Wish me luck! I will write again once she is here!
Mama has been talking to me a lot about Baby Sister. She says that when she comes Mama is going to have to rest in bed for a few days. I am going to be her BIG helper. And I will have to play by myself more because Mama will be nursing Baby Sister. I pulled my shirt up the other day and discovered that "I have boobies too!" And that I will have milk for Baby Sister too, then Mommy can rest more.
Daddy says he doesn't have any milk, I guess he won't be doing any nursing.
Sometimes I look in Mommy's belly button and see Baby Sister, she is SOoooo cute. She likes to kick me sometimes. Mama says when she comes out she will give Mama an ouchie and I said, "Baby Sister- don't hit my Mommy!" I like to listen to Mommy's belly too. The other day, Baby Sister told me she wants to come home now.
And then there's the whole bit about sharing. Daddy and Mommy both like to talk about sharing A LOT lately. I think sharing is over rated. Who likes sharing and why? Mommy and Daddy's friends like to say, "I am in for a big suprise," when Baby Sister comes. I love suprises, so this doesn't sound too bad to me.
In other news, I started SCHOOL a few weeks ago. I love it! I love the teachers, the art projects, and all my new friends. I still cry "just a little bit" when Mommy and Daddy drop me off. They say I am dramatic. I guess they are refering to how I flail my body around and scream when they leave. Then within a few minutes I get into my day at school. Mommy and Daddy really love my school too, they say it is better than they expected and that they like the curriculum, the teachers and all the stimulus it gives me. The other day I told Mom (I like to call her this every once in while to show her how grown up I am) that "Sometimes I ride the school bus to school." She was impressed, but then I heard her talking to Daddy- something about my first lie. I wonder what a lie is.
When Baby Sister comes, I am in charge of getting her party ready!! I am so excited! I picked out a cake mix and I am going to blow up balloons.
Mama and Daddy are going to go to the Doctor's to get her. I go with Mama to the Doctor's to check on her every week now. I get to hold the tape measure to measure her, press the button to listen to her heart, and then I get my heart checked to.
Mama says that I was born at the same place. When I came out, I was a little baby too! Now I am growing up! I can even dress and undress myself most days. Sometimes at night or in the morning I get dressed by myself on top of my PJs. I also like trying on all my different shoes. Mama found me once surrounded by three of my favorite pairs, fast asleep. I wear underewears now sometimes too. I like to try to use the potty at least once a day, but usually nothing comes out except farts.
The three of us have had SO much fun this summer. We went camping! I got to ride in a boat, roast marshmallows and sleep in a tent! We had lots of fun day trips too. I went to Nana and Pappy's for a weekend with Mama. Mama and I enjoyed our days together during the week so much. We felt like the perfect duo. Yesterday we took the blanket to the playground so we could lay back and imagine what all the clouds could be. And I have been swimming LOTS. We found a pool where I can where my floaties and swim without any help from Mommy or Daddy! Mommy says I am "pure delight" when I swim. I feel like I just bubble over with joy because I am so happy and feel so many wonderful sensations swimming in the water.
I guess I will have to "share" my blog with Baby Sister too. I wonder what we call it now.
Wish me luck! I will write again once she is here!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My Dog Park Room
Now that I am going to be a BIG sister, I got a new room! Mama calls it a "forest" theme. But the only forest I go for walks in is the dog park, so I call it my dog park room.
Monday, July 2, 2012
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