Someone's Mother-Again

I was looking at Miriam's birth photos today and was struck by the fact that I am someone's mother. The one who grew her inside of me, brought her into the world through me- literally. And now that she born, the one she is dependent on for life. The one who will adore and love her. The one who knows her little self more than any other. Yet today I realize I must enter this knowing of her with curiosity and patience. It was a long night.
Throughout the night, I didn't know if she wanted swaddled tighter, or to take it off. If she was hungry or too full and gasy. Was she hot or cold? Was her diaper wet bothering her? Did she want to be upright or on her side. All night we thrashed around the room together in a sea of blankets, leaking breast milk, pillows, nipple cream, snacks and spit up. Both her clothes and mine strewn everywhere in my attempts to adjust each of our temperatures multiple times throughout the night. I am surprised to find that my mothering is not as natural as I thought. After a night of trying "everything" to soothe her, my prayer this morning was- let me get to know Miriam Lord. I feel that I am not the mother I am supposed to be, the one that I feel I am for Nori in the sense of knowing her so well.
It is Monday, I was grateful to bring Nori to school and have a chance to just be Miriam's mom. To bath her slowly, trim her nails, massage her with special baby oil. And to lazily ponder over the past two weeks of her photos. I read a baby books re her development and spent five minutes sticking out my tongue to see if she will imitate me as the book says she may.  I dusted off the mobile and decided she would have "play time." After all this I called Pete and found myself crying on the phone. I didn't feel particularly hormonal before calling. I talked to him about the morning and how she was still fussy despite all my attention and energy. He seemed world's away in a place with adults that required him to be working. Here I was in this small bubble of a morning, with my baby. I cried because I felt alone, this bubble is meant to only hold the two of us today.

I hung up with Pete and debated a shower as I tried to continue to rock her as she whimpered.
Maybe a shower will make me feel more human and clear my mind. I looked down to realize she was asleep as I also realized I had forgotten the most logical explanation for her cries- she was hungry.
I hadn't fed for for over two hours.
Again, I am someone's mother, and I must start again in getting to know this little one. I need grace, I need showers. I need a little sleep and a little common sense wouldn't hurt either.

She's Here!

Tomorrow is Miriam's two week birthday. I just got back from the pool. It was the first time I exercised and the first time I was away from Miriam. Something about the trip to the pool felt like it ended the first small chapter in her life. There is so much to say about this first little blur of a chapter- where to begin?
 I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin.  I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity.  All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.

Mother of two

Yesterday was first day home with both Nori and Mira. It was more natural than I expected. There is a balancing between them, although Nori seems to require much more than Mira for now.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
 I cried once  because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days.  It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.

Lord, let me be thankful in all things, knowing you will give me my daily bread and having joy in all things that  you have given me.