The push and the pull

A friend recently admonished me to enjoy "the fall." Today was the unofficial first day of the fall. It was sunny, crispy, brilliant and crunchy under our feet. Tonight I fall inward, first bath, first cups of tea, and the settling that the fall is. I can't help but to delight in being a part of the fall and imagine all those that are in "the fall" together. I have also been thinking of movement in another way this week, the pulls and pushes of love. More specifically of parenting, but with Pete too. Miriam is in love with her Daddy right now. And while I know she loves me, it is strange and worth pondering being the less preferred parent. The lack of her pulling me in causes me to push towards her more. A wave of slight hurt crashes here and there. The tasks of parenting consume my hands and time but my heart is bent a little more this week towards her, to seeking her out. Whereas her infancy usually is seeking me to fill her needs. On the other hand, there have been countless times I am pulling away from Nori. Her desire for me has seemed bottomless most days since she was born. I sure this is partly being a new parent and fearing losing myself. But regardless I have pulled and compartmentalized away from her in a million small ways for most of her little life. This week after watching my sister "check" on her kids after they fall asleep, I have begun to do the same. I never dreamed of going in to her room willingly after she was alseep. But it is quite beautiful to put my love forward without it being demanded. To shine my heart forth. This is a saying from yoga that this week has resonanted in me as I care for the girls. Parenting, like any loving,ie spouse, is full of the routines, the tasks of food, play, talking, learning. Yet there is this movement in any relationship either pulling towards or away. As we enjoy the fall, may my heart shine forth intentionally and willingly to love and embrace the beautiful gift my children are to me.

Soccer and being a girl

So, Nori wants to take dance classes more than anything. And although I want to fulfill her dreams, part of me wants to avoid dance. It seems to hold false hopes of being all that I don't like about being a girl. Mainly, I want to guard her from focusing on her looks more than inner confidence. I don't want the applause to be her goal. Although, there is applause in sports, it seems that the true reward is the inner discipline and physical attainment. Do I feel this way purely because I was shaped positively thru sports? Probably, but I can't help but want her to have that feeling of accomplishment and self awareness. Of feeling that she is competent in her body and that she can succeed under pressure. To be a part of team. So, we decided to put her in soccer lessons this fall. Knowing that dance is coming in our (very soon) future, I had hoped to show her how wonderful sports can be. And so far, it is isn't a total flop. She loves the idea and kicking. And she isn't half bad, if there is even a way to gauge the quality of 3 year old YMCA soccer?! But what surprised me is her experience as a girl. There are two girls including her on team. It seems they usualy do the drills last and are grouped together often. There is no muscle mass difference between males and females at this age, so this is bit off putting to me. But even more bothersome is how I am seeing sports in a different way thru her "girly girl" lens. The shirts are red and aren't pretty. The running doesn't involve spinning or bowing. I can see clearly how sports are male dominated and how this has been so subtle most of my life I didn't even realize it. To be good at sports, I had to forsake my feminine parts and accentuate the masculine. I am aggressive and dominant enought to have no problem with this:) But what would it look like to have female led sports across the line? I am afraid this is just one small peek into seeing the world again as she grows up. And as I tell her almost daily: You are smart, strong AND pretty.

I am Ten months Big!

I haven't written on here in awhile! I have been too busy sleeping! About a month ago I started sleeping ALLLllll night long. It is really great. Mama puts me to bed around 630pm and I chillax in my crib until they come and get me, usually around 630 am. Usually when I wake up, I like to put my feet up the side of the crib and snuggle with Lovie and Bobo. We say our prayers and talk about what the day is going to be like. Then when Mama comes in I bubble with joy and spit Bobo out so I can nurse a bit. But when I hear a "pitter patter pitter patter" down the hallway, I start to kick and squeal and whip my head right to left looking for. . . NORI!!!! I get so excited to see her and want to play play play. I have been wanting to be right on top of her a lot lately, in the tub and when she is playing.Sometimes I accidentally pull her hair, but she is pretty patient with me. She is so much more exciting than Mom and Dad. When other kids are around that want to say hi to me, Nori is especially nice to me then, I think she likes to show me off a bit. My Mama has been doting on me a lot lately. I think it's the sleep thing. She raves about it all the time. She says I am the perfect baby. I feel super cool and accomplished. I think it's my first resume builder: sleeping thru the night (for REAL.) I mean 12 hours definitely meets the requirements. Besides that, I am super snuggly, pretty darn cute and calm. Mama says she is realizing that I hold my emotions on the inside. Like the other day when Grandma was holding me (I didn't know who the heck she was)- I was just kinda looking at her with a semi frown. Then Mama came back in the room and I could let my big girl front down and say "HELP! " I still don't have any separation anxiety usually. I easily go to anyone, although sometimes on the inside I have a bit of hesitancy, but no one would ever know. I love my Nanny Shirley. Usually when Mama gets home I don't even reach for her. Sometimes I do to make her feel better (she looks a little sad at the end of a day away from me), or if I remember that she produces that yummy breast milk. About nursing, there has been a lot less milk around since I started sleeping throught the night. I don't mind because I LOVE eating, especially meat. I had steak and eggs for breakfast today. I really love meatballs right now too. And pizza and all fruit, and popsicles, and yogurt, and. . . I still don't love cheese but I will eat it sometimes. And I found out this week that I dont have any nut allergies! Hurray! Can't wait to try those someday too. But back to nursing. Mama says she wants to nurse me until I was 4, but I don't think I will stay interested. I am usually not that hungry and would rather be playing than nursing. I think Mama may need me to nurse her a few more months though. She looks at me sooooo sad sometimes. Since I am the last baby, I really have to ham it up and put on my big baby eyes and let her hold me and rock me and pretend I will never grow up. I don't mind. I like her nose kisses and how she still gives me raspberries on my belly. I can do no wrong. Which is pretty great, especially because the big one gets in lots of trouble (all the time.) That's essentially the only time I cry, when Nori does. And BOY does she CRY!!! Usually I just join in to look cool, although sometimes I feel it's an instinctual cry to join in the little people against the big ones and I can't forsake her. I stop as soon as she does though. Geez, she cries a lot. It's kind of hard on the ears. I still only have two bottom teeth. Shirley says she can't believe I eat everything I do with only two teeth. Skills. I got em. Mama keeps feeling around in my mouth for more, but no signs yet. Mama says I am so gentle. I like to hold things gently and pick up things. When I want to get around with something I found, I just put it in my mouth. So sometimes I have multiple toys in my mouth crawling around looking like a dog playing fetch. It keeps the big one from taking my stuff too. I have several obsessions. The first is Mama's keys. I have loved them for months, other keys don't do it for me. Mama even got me a new set from the hardware store but they aren't nearly dirty enough for me to put in my mouth. One of my other loves is music! As soon as I hear it I scoot like a little crab and get as close as I can. I love to hum along with my own version of singing. This reminds Mama of when I was a baby and made a humming sound in my sleep. I like instruments too. Especially this little egg shaker I have in my room. Most of my toys make their way to Nori's room. So I have to hide any that I want to keep all to myself. But my biggest obsession is beverages- any size bottle, cup, sippie cup, can, glass, you name it- I want to drink it. I love beer bottles, juice boxes, mama's water bottle, soda bottles, wine glasses, pool water, bath water and the other day I even lifted a 2 liter of soda and tried to drink it. I dip my head in the tub and pool in hopes of getting a swig and I suck on the washcloth. And... oh watch out, you don't want to me the one trying to take a beverage away from me. I will lose my mind! Mama worries I have diabetes or some medical problem. I think it's just a fun hobby- there are so many different drinks out there to taste. Haven't found a liquid that's not yummy yet. AND I have a new name. Mama asked Nori what my nickname should be, she likes to call me Mira or Mia. And neither is really "sticking." so Nori said May. Mama said Mei Mei is little sister in Mandarin, so that's my new name! I love it. And clap my hands when someone calls me Mei Mei! And oh, I haven't mentioned Dada yet. I do love him so much. So far it's the only word I say with any consistency. I light up when he is around and love to lift my arms up for him to carry me. Mama is mad because the only time I say "mama" is when I am telling her off. ie when she tries to take a cup from me. And it usually followed by a whole conversation that she calls babbling. But I am really trying to say something. I even have intonations and exclamations to my talk. I learned how to sit up, crawl, pull up and cruise all in the same week back in May. It has made life pretty exciting. I didn't add any motor skills til this week. Now I can stand up in the middle of the room without holding onto anything. Mama says it looks like I am surfing I stand up real slow and keep my legs a little bent and smile away. I am super cute( I think I mentioned this) and a little short for my age. So I guess I will have to learn to stand up to see what's going on. Alright, I better go check and see what I am going to eat for dinner. And I have to practice my walking, hope to showing off my skills by my first bday in only a month! Love Mei Mei

Miriam is a HALF!

I am a HALF! My Mama says it was a really special time to celebrate me. I was happy to get the extra attention, although I don't really need it. Most of the time they just put me in a contraption (jumper, exersaucer, play mat) and I get to watch the circus- Nori and my parents. That's the real highlight of my life.
Most days, Nori throws a good tantrum and for some reason, I think it is hysterical. It keeps my attention and I can't stop laughing. Mama always tells Nori, "Mira is too little to understand yet." This is awesome and I plan on that being my excuse for the next 18 years to do what I want. I intend to continue to keep a low profile. Now that I have a lot of time on my hands and not much to talk about yet, I have been planning my childhood. I am going to be sweet, laid back and keep a smile on my face. This means I will get anything I want. I also sense that my mom will treat me as the baby long past my baby years, this is awesome too.
Nori distracts them most of the time with her bad behavior. That means I don't have to be super good, just smile when they look my way and keep on with my playing.
I already love my big sister so much. Not only is she entertainng with all of her intense emotions, but she also has done so much work on my parents to be ready for me.
They made her eat all this mushy baby food when she was my age- not me! They are too lazy and tired to feed me with a spoon so I get to play with real big people food. I love it! I get to mash mango, gnaw on bread and play with noodles. My mom read a book called "Baby Led Weaning," it might as well be called I am so happy I get to feed myself! Well, okay I am not actually getting much down but it's FUN.
Besides, I don't need much else besides my mom's booby milk. I can't get enough of that stuff.
I take the bottle anytime, anywhere from anyone and I love nursing at night. I wake up every 3-4 hours still because when my tummy is 7/8th full, I get MAD.
And my stats show it. I am 40% for height and 95% for weight. Miss Emily calls me a bowling ball. My mama says I am like a big pile of bread dough when she kneads me after bath with my lotion.
I don't think they are going to make me "cry it out" at night yet. Thanks again, to big sister, because 1) they are worried I might wake her up and 2) they blame the cry it out method for her her intense temper.

This week, sadly, I said good bye to my infant sleeper. Boy did I love that thing. It was so cozy and over the last couple of weeks I was so big I could push my feet and rock myself in it.One night when I didn't want to be in the crib, Mama put me back in the sleeper and I grabbed the sides like a long last friend.
The crib isn't too bad. I still have my Bobo and Lovie.
When I wake up in the morning or from a good nap, I like to spend some time journaling. I babble and talk to my Lovie, Bobo and say my prayers. I can do this indefinitely, usually Mom comes in after 15-20 minutes because she feels negligent.I am always happy to see her.
Over the weekend, they turned on my ceiling fan- say what?! I didn't know that thing moved!!!! I was so psyched. There also is a lot of other things I am begining to notice- like looking outside! This makes nursing hard sometimes during the day because I am more distracted. But, I make up for the missed milk at night. Mama doesn't think this is too cool.
I don't have any teeth yet,but I love to suck on my fingers which causes LOTS of drool.

Oh I almost forgot to mention- I love my Shirley! I get lots of attention from her and we go on walks all the time. Sometimes I get to ride in the Ergot carrier and I love this. I love being snuggly in general.
Mom says I am getting too big to carry around in the car seat and now that it is getting warmer, she takes me out to go in and out of Nori's school.

But then my toes are cold because one of my signature looks is no socks or shoes. Mom has tried everything, inlcuding three different pairs of shoes, but I always kick them off. I think the record time was 6 minutes of keeping them on. I think it's a great challenge, but Mama thinks it's frustrating, so she gave up. So, all winter even in cold weather, she takes me out without shoes and socks. She justifies it by saying it is the same as having my hands out.
My other signature look is my HAIR! It is everywhere! I never lost any of it! Besides getting a haircut at 4.5 months (just my bangs) My mom bought me a hair detangler made out of quinoa and says she spent more on in than she ever has on anything for herself. It helps as least in the morning to get it under control.

We had a great party to celebrate my HALF bday. Some friends came over and we had HALF a cake made out of whole wheat and bananas. I even got to try a bite! Nori didn't get sugar until her first bday. Ha ha ha. I love being the baby.
Lastly, my mom finally likes my name. She says Miriam didn't fit and she wanted to call me Mira from the beginning, but Dad didn't like Mira. But now she just calls me Mira (Daddy said he didn't mind) and she is so happy with it.
She wrote me a letter about how wonderful I am on my 6mos birthday. Then she looked up what Mira means and guess what? WONDERFUL!

I am going to be this many:3!!!

I am SOOOOoo excited, Jesus' birthday is finally over and now it is MINE. I have been counting the number of naps I have until the big day. And now I only have one more! I like to count on my fingers and show people, 3!! that is how many I will be.
Mama says that once I turn three I will be all grown up and have to start sharing. The past few months have been hard to realize that sharing can be fun. Sometimes I tell people, I don't want to share. I like NOT sharing, but the few times I have shared my toys, it feels pretty good. I do like to horde though. I have managed to stash 90% of Miriam's toys somewhere in my room.
When I fall asleep at night, there is a role call of toys expected to present: Lovie, Hoppy, Rabbit, Cutesie, Thea, the "moon," my flashlight. After roll call, Mama tucks me up to my chiny chiny chin. Then we repeat our bedtime mantras, "sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite." "See you when you wake up." "sweet dreams." " I love you so much" and then we blow kisses and catch them.
Then I stay in bed and fall asleep and don't get out until my clock is green! (6 something depending on what mama set it for.)
This sleep thing is easy now but BOY did I have a rough time this fall. Dad got in the habit of sleeping with me soon after Miriam was born because I was sick,then he decided no more Daddy in bed. That was trouble, I would scream and cry for HOURS every night because "I AM NOT TIRED" I would even throw up sometimes. Finally, the only thing I was truly influenced by was the threat to close the bedroom door.
For many nights they did close the door for about 5 minutes and I would kick and scream with all my might. Then when they would open it, I would hop in bed and stay in bed.
I find a lot of power in crying. When I feel powerless I cry and throw my body down on the floor.
This happens several times a day. Mama says I cry more than Miriam.
I am trying to learn to take deep breaths and relax before "losing it."
Mama says we need to continue to work on this and spend time cuddling more. I need lots of affection and when I feel powerless and I am crying my emotions overwhelm me. Mama is learning to hold me during those times.

Some favorite recent memories:
Playing in the snow and EATING the snow. I love to eat it!
I got a dollhouse for Christmas and when I received money for my bday I was allowed to pick out some furniture for the dollhouse online.It was cool to order it and then have it come in the mail.
When Mom didn't give me what I wanted, I reminded her "Sharing is caring."
I like to bargain for "two more minutes." of whatever I want to keep doing!

I finally got an appetite, after 3 years of not eating that much, I am HUNGRY. I have been eating everything in sight!
Yesterday, I tried Kale chips, korean bulgolgi, bean sprouts, and bran muffins.
One day I ate 6 pieces of lunch meat, two tortillas, an apple, just for lunch!
Just like the hungry caterpullar!

I adore my baby sister. I really do. Mama says it is a miracle. I have never been mad at her, nor upset because she gets more attention sometimes.
I like to bring her toys, to hug and kiss her, and I like to tuck her in and sing to her with Mama.
Mama says once she starts moving, this will change. But maybe she should just stay a baby forever, then we won't have any problems.

I am going to have a baby soon. Sometimes, I lift up my shirt and say "Mommy, my baby is going to come out soon." She says I have to be as tall as her first. So that's why I keep eating so much so I can grow up really big and be a mommy.

Yesterday, Fishy grew up into a Mommy. I came downstairs and fishy was 10 x as big! I couldn't believe it Mama says it was because she was eating all her seeds and vegetables. (or  she had to buy a new fish because the first one froze to death on the windowsill)
Now that she is so big, I am calling her Dorothy (just like Elmo's fish.)

I am starting to learn my letters. I now know N, M, and P. I am working on K and D.

One of my favorite things to do now, is to say I have a secret to tell you. . . and I whisper. . . I love you SO much.
And I do, I love my Mama and my Daddy and I love LIFE SO much.

xxoo

After Christmas thoughts. . .

Maybe the funniest line that Nori said this Christmas was, "When I grow up, I am going to hold Jesus." (When she saw a nativity scene in someone's yard.) This is of course a reflection of when we tell her that she can hold Miriam when she grows up. I do indeed hope that she holds Jesus dear,when she grows up, and chooses to follow Jesus.

Other laughing times were when after we finished opening the few gifts that santa brought, she said now it's MY birthday? Because we told her that after Jesus' bday was hers. Of course she hasn't been happy that his comes first. She also thought santa may come again after she took her nap.
It ends up we talked about santa very little, but did say he brought the gifts. She asked me directly if I bought something that she opened and I answered truthfully that I did, and that I helped santa a bit.
Another funny moment was when I took her stocking to the fabric store to get some fabric to make Miriam one. Nori sat down and tried to put it on her foot and exclaimed- "Mama, it's too big for me!"

Both girls adored the tree, and spent time just looking at it. This was especially fun for Miriam.
I loved just being in my PJs and being able to be present to play and be with them both.

Nori watched her first full movie, the Polar Express, with her cousins at Pappy's house. It was fun to watch her expressions as she was captivated by the story.

It is amazing as well how Nori loved giving presents. It seemed very apparent to me that this is the age where we can truly influence her more in how to build her character to be about others. She can be generous and hopefully we can model that to where it is the choice that feels good, not just receiving.

Advent

This Advent, I look down at Miriam and think- this is enough. Just to "come and adore" her everyday. To imagine how God chose to become a baby as I look at her perfectness. I keep thinking, "God truly believed in his product." He had a nose and boogies, and soft chubby legs and little nails that needed clipped. He humbled himself to need to nurse every two hours. To be dependent. What a wonderful God we have.

Miriam looks nothing like me. And I wonder if Mary shared some of my same sentiment- a feeling of caring for someone else's child?