Becoming a Mother

For the past two days I have been home with Nori because she has been sick. And by being home, I been being in the house all day. By being sick, I mean she doesn't want to be put down for more than 30 seconds. These two things have given me flashbacks to how I felt in the newborn days, only now with a different -didn't just pop a baby out- perspective.
Being a Mom is hard work. That is my- not new- but continued realization. Personally, it is hard for me to be home all day with her. I feel like I go in circles of cleaning, caring for Nori, caring for myself, answering phone calls. etc I don't like how there are not clear boundaries of work and rest, nor a clear sense of accomplishment. There is always something else to be done. I am learning to take moments of rest and to enjoy Nori. A few weeks ago when I was home with her it dawned on me that being a mom is the most challenging role I have. I be a decent wife and a good PA with relative ease. I like exercising, pushing myself physically, disciplining myself in prayer. I am pretty good friend to others. BUT, motherhood? Weekly, I am brought to my knees. I think I expect my time at home with her to be the easy part of my week, but just this realization of the magnitude of the job helps me.
But it is also truly bonding. For example, two days ago I had no problem going out in the evening while she was asleep, even though she was sick. Tonight, after being with her non stop for two days, I canceled my evening plans, unable to think of being away from her if not needed.
I had another flashback today to the newborn days. At one point she was crying so much I started crying with her. The most difficult and powerless part of being a mom is not knowing what is hurting her and not being able to make it better.
Yesterday, when she was super sick. I went into crazy busy mode when she was sleeping. I started canning, painting the bathroom and cleaning out my closet?!
I think that my instinct when I feel out of control is to focus on what I can control. That, as well as avoiding focusing on what scares me.
The other question that I have been asking this week that I also asked in the newborn days- do I give her what others can't (besides breastmilk)? I was told this week by others that when she is sick "she needs me." We truly believe in equal parenting and also in others' roles in her life. But there is a nurturing between us that is both wonderful and overwhelming.
I love her more and more. Especially in the sleepless nights lately, using every cell in my body to attempt to comfort and care for her. I feel myself in each of this new levels of commitment growing as a mom.

I am so grateful for what how she is changing me, breaking me, and making me her mother.