PA

Three days ago, Nori almost died. Traumatic events mark time. A few minutes ago,I got out of the shower, saw the tweezers on the sink and thought when did I last pluck my eyebrows- before or after? Three days ago we looked death in the face, time was stopped and now even the simplest things are defined as either before "PA" or after. Our world has changed. I have changed.Funny, Nori hasn't changed at all.
PA no longer is the state we live in, or my profession, it is the two letters that stop our hearts, will drive us mad for literally the rest of our lives, and be a source of daily anxiety. PA is peanut allergy.
Last month at a kids play place I brought peanut butter cupcakes into a "peanut free" zone. I was happy I wasn't caught, now I feel like I should serve jail time for this sin. We can brush against death in so many ways. There is the chronic illness where death looms and is the inevitable. There are the times we almost get in a car accident, but don't and although we look death in the eyes, we forget in a day or two. There is the illness or injury that brings us close and then we fully recover.
Then there is the parent who watches her child come barreling toward death, then veer miraculously to wellness. All is well, there is no repercussions or lingering symptoms. Yet the sheer fear of the threat of death is now all around. And it is not in the ways I have been trained to fear for her. It is not the busy street we live on that I can avoid, it isn't the knives in the dishwasher or the basement door I can close. It is peanuts. Three days ago I worshiped their creaminess in my pancakes, now they are my life long nemesis; I am angry they exist. And I can't hide from or control them or always be able to keep them from her. I am helpless in protecting her. I have not felt this before. I am humbled.
I am still crying, lots. Yet is is a peaceful thankful crying, a cleansing, because under the emotions: all is well. I am saying, everyone is saying,"She is fine."
Yes- peanuts, peanut butter, peanut oil- are easy to see to avoid. But then there is the fine print: MAY CONTAIN, MADE IN A FACTORY THAT PROCESSES. I am going to need glasses by 40 with all the fine print I will be reading. I went online to "allergicchild.com" and cried some more at the stories of parents' losing children. A 17 year old who died from kissing her boyfriend. I am overwhelmed at all the places peanuts can lurk- burger king, five guys, all asian restaurants, are places I will probably never enter again. Will she be with imprisoned at the peanut free table at lunch in grade school? Will she hate me all the fussing I will surely do? I stopped reading online for now.

What will happen to my carefree parenting? Will I be the crazy maniac mother I didn't want to be? Do I have to be this? How can I not?

When we left the hospital, the doctor shook my hand and said,"I am glad everything turned out okay." Who says that?! And yet, I know he meant well.
At work yesterday I hesitated in the medical decisions I had to make- do I know what I am doing? I wanted to ask this to the nurses and doctors in the ER- how do you know what you are doing is right? I am humbled to be entrusted with lives as precious as Nori's.

God, I trust you that your trust me to be a parent. Let us start there.

Lil Monkey

Moments. . .

There are moments, almost everyday when my heart soars in wonder and joy at this little one. Here are a few. . .

I was in the kitchen and Nori, knowing we were soon to leave, comes in carrying both of her shoes and jacket with the look: I am ready Mama!

She learned to sign "sleep" and when she is ready for her nap now she does "sleep" and "nurse" together.

We got in the car and having learned the sign for "music" a few days before was demanding "music" and "please" while I was trying to catch up on NPR news.

Sticking her face in the bath water and discovering the glassy surface and its boundaries.

Nursing her baby doll.

Being determined to walk Bella by herself, she didn't want to be held or have my hand on the leash, this lasted two minutes before she was pulled over.

Blowing kisses Good bye to me when we get to the Nanny's before we are even in the door.

Crying when she has to leave the Nanny and go to me!

Nori and too much cake . . .

 

Ta Daaaaa!!!!

 
 
 

A cow- really guys?!

So, I had to write you all. My Mom and Dad are trying to give me cow's milk?!! What sense does this make? I am a baby! A human baby! HELP!! At first I could tell when they snuck it into the breastmilk bottle, but now they are putting it in at least an ounce or two and I can't tell if it's there or not. Does anyone have a cow milk detector? I am being POISONED!! If it is all cow's milk I can tell, but the whole hiding it with the breastmilk is just trickery!
They tried it in my juice sippy cup- ha! that's some nasty juice. They tried it in my water cup- do they think I'm crazy? I ain't drinking that stuff. Have they seen how cow's live? They are all dirty and smell!!!
I'm a baby and need to NURSE! And to make it worse they cut me off at night. Yep, I am calling DHS child services just as soon as I figure out how to sign, "ABUSE!!" They expect me to sleep all night without my friends the boobies. If you can talk any sense into them, please help.
Just because I'm little, doesn't mean I don't know my rights. Those boobs are mine and I deserve their milk. If there are another babies out there that feel the same way, you can join by cause, Babies Unite!

Night Weaning!

Hallelujah! We have been sleeping through the night for one week! I decided to night wean Nori and geared up with lots of support from friends and family. Ends up that I needed more support than Nori. After the first few nights of crying, (not nearly as much as I expected) she dreamed right on through. Now she is waking between 5 (too early!!) and 6:30 (it might as well have been noon we were so happy.)So we hope this evens out to after 6 daily, but we will gladly take it.
On the first night she slept through, Bella's boyfriend Buddy was sleeping over and decided he had to go out to pee at 2 am. So, it was a lesson in patience and as most of parenting helps us laugh at ourselves!