A week ago today, I left work went home and casually said "Bye Bye Bobo," just as we had rehearsed. The months of conversations were had. I illustrated and published a book!, for goodness sake, all culminating in this very important step of saying good- bye to Nori's pacifier. Truly, I thought we had been prepared for this. We were doing the right thing.
Boy, was I wrong.
We have had 6 nights of 2-3 hour screaming, vomiting, climbing out of the crib, and good old body slamming protest. The funny thing is that she never asked for Bobo. A few times she said through her sobbing, "No more bobo. Nori is a big girl."
So we went on. Back and forth between crib and big girl bed. Eventually we had to fall asleep with her either in our bed or her big bed.
Did she want the big girl bed because she associated no more bobo with no more crib, ie. baby bed? We felt that two transitions were too much at once. And it was. She crawls right out of the big girl bed and down the hallway she goes.
She is so incredibly smart that I know she understands what we are saying and what she needs to do. But she can't(won't) fall asleep on her own. I think at first she tried to. Now it just seems like habit- as soon as it is bed time- her body switches over to full protest mode. She becomes an animal acting to protect herself.
Did we do "cry it out" too much when she was younger? Did she learn that she has to be violently upset to protect herself? Does she trust us? So many agonizing questions between our tears, and her literaly glass shattering cries that have filled our house for a week.
Oh, and there hasn't been one nap in a week either.
Mind you, for the past year of her life there has been only 2 days I can recall she hasn't napped. And no memory, not one, of her not falling asleep on her own. When she has had ear infections, she wakes up later in the night upset, but goes to bed fine.
So- what on earth have we done? to her? to us? to our peaceful lives? to sleep?!!
Oh, how I wish I could go back in time 7 days. But we would never have known.
So, we pressed on every night, thinking something would give.
And yesterday, it did. As I passed the Rite Aid, I pulled in. I walked in and spent 7 dollars for two new, sparkly, party print, Bobos. You would have thought I was making a drug deal. I felt out of control excited at the prospects this piece of plastic could bring to me. I felt guilty as though I should hide them. Yet, I just wanted to hold them in my hand and believe. Believe my life's rhythm would return.
With as high an energy kid as Nori is, we rely, we thrive off her steady sleep schedule.
And now with all that out of the window, I am humbled. I am at my end and the begining of true motherhood - the place of sacrifice, bewilderment, and heart break.
We gave Nori the new Bobo last night and explained we realized she wasn't ready to say bye yet. To be honest, I expected a miracle, for me to lay her in the crib and to pretend that the last week was simply a bad dream.
But she was out of the crib in 10 seconds, now that her protesting has taught her that skill. She ended up in the big girl bed. But there was progress in that I sat next to her as she fell asleep instead of laying with her.
Hopefully, we can fade this out. I am tired.
And once again, I am humbled in awe of how little I can control things and overwhelmed at this task of parenting.
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