Hi everyone! It's Miriam:) I am so relaxed that my mom had to twist my arm to write in this blog.
I would rather chill out and enjoy the good life- boobs, sleeping and pooping.
My favorite past time to get my parents attention is throwing up. I spit up 3-4 times after every feeding. At least onece a day I throw in a good projectile vomiting. I like to do it in public places or when Mom doesn't have a burp cloth handy.
This morning was perfect, we were at Please Touch and Mom only brought her purse so she wouldn't have to carry much. I was nursing but she was trying to read the news on her phone and watch Nori in her Elmo costume (everyone thought she was sooo cute.) So I decided to remind Mom that I was around, huge vomit that went down her pants and all in the Ergo. Awesome.
I have been smiling a lot lately. I smile at Mom and Dad's faces the most. I also like my mobile and ceiling fans. Today I was acting like I didn't know how to hold the pacifier in my mouth, so Mama had to keep coming over to give in to me. About the 4th time I couldn't fake it anymore and just started smiling so much.When I smile my eyes disappear because they are small and my cheeks are big.
I haven't laughed yet, I am waiting for something worthy of it. So far it's pretty boring around her. The Big one talks A LOT and cries A LOT. I like it when she is around though because she always makes lots of noises with different toys and shows me them. Mom and Dad barely notice me, I am glad at least she does. Mom left me downstairs with her one morning and when she came back I was covered in stickers and had about 4 stuffed animals all around me.
Mama says I am EASY. I wake up two times at night to eat and sleep most of the day. When I sleep I make this humming noise that Mama says is her absolute favorite sound in the world. She has been video taping me trying to capture it. I also sleep with my eyes open sometimes- just to let them know not to try any funny business while I am sleeping.
I discovered TV this week! Dad usually lets me sleep on the couch with him in the evenings. He noticed that if he doesn't face me toward the TV I strain to look at it:)
Okay, got to get back to my beauty sleep. Don't wake me unless there's an emergency.
Love
Miriam
Friday, November 2, 2012
Meltdown
I finished Anne Lamont's "operating instructions" yesterday. Her words, a journal of her son's first year, have been food for my soul.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began. I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began. I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.
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