Meltdown

I finished Anne Lamont's "operating instructions" yesterday. Her words, a journal of her son's first year, have been food for my soul.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed  and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began.  I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
 All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.