The push and the pull

A friend recently admonished me to enjoy "the fall." Today was the unofficial first day of the fall. It was sunny, crispy, brilliant and crunchy under our feet. Tonight I fall inward, first bath, first cups of tea, and the settling that the fall is. I can't help but to delight in being a part of the fall and imagine all those that are in "the fall" together. I have also been thinking of movement in another way this week, the pulls and pushes of love. More specifically of parenting, but with Pete too. Miriam is in love with her Daddy right now. And while I know she loves me, it is strange and worth pondering being the less preferred parent. The lack of her pulling me in causes me to push towards her more. A wave of slight hurt crashes here and there. The tasks of parenting consume my hands and time but my heart is bent a little more this week towards her, to seeking her out. Whereas her infancy usually is seeking me to fill her needs. On the other hand, there have been countless times I am pulling away from Nori. Her desire for me has seemed bottomless most days since she was born. I sure this is partly being a new parent and fearing losing myself. But regardless I have pulled and compartmentalized away from her in a million small ways for most of her little life. This week after watching my sister "check" on her kids after they fall asleep, I have begun to do the same. I never dreamed of going in to her room willingly after she was alseep. But it is quite beautiful to put my love forward without it being demanded. To shine my heart forth. This is a saying from yoga that this week has resonanted in me as I care for the girls. Parenting, like any loving,ie spouse, is full of the routines, the tasks of food, play, talking, learning. Yet there is this movement in any relationship either pulling towards or away. As we enjoy the fall, may my heart shine forth intentionally and willingly to love and embrace the beautiful gift my children are to me.

Soccer and being a girl

So, Nori wants to take dance classes more than anything. And although I want to fulfill her dreams, part of me wants to avoid dance. It seems to hold false hopes of being all that I don't like about being a girl. Mainly, I want to guard her from focusing on her looks more than inner confidence. I don't want the applause to be her goal. Although, there is applause in sports, it seems that the true reward is the inner discipline and physical attainment. Do I feel this way purely because I was shaped positively thru sports? Probably, but I can't help but want her to have that feeling of accomplishment and self awareness. Of feeling that she is competent in her body and that she can succeed under pressure. To be a part of team. So, we decided to put her in soccer lessons this fall. Knowing that dance is coming in our (very soon) future, I had hoped to show her how wonderful sports can be. And so far, it is isn't a total flop. She loves the idea and kicking. And she isn't half bad, if there is even a way to gauge the quality of 3 year old YMCA soccer?! But what surprised me is her experience as a girl. There are two girls including her on team. It seems they usualy do the drills last and are grouped together often. There is no muscle mass difference between males and females at this age, so this is bit off putting to me. But even more bothersome is how I am seeing sports in a different way thru her "girly girl" lens. The shirts are red and aren't pretty. The running doesn't involve spinning or bowing. I can see clearly how sports are male dominated and how this has been so subtle most of my life I didn't even realize it. To be good at sports, I had to forsake my feminine parts and accentuate the masculine. I am aggressive and dominant enought to have no problem with this:) But what would it look like to have female led sports across the line? I am afraid this is just one small peek into seeing the world again as she grows up. And as I tell her almost daily: You are smart, strong AND pretty.