PA

Three days ago, Nori almost died. Traumatic events mark time. A few minutes ago,I got out of the shower, saw the tweezers on the sink and thought when did I last pluck my eyebrows- before or after? Three days ago we looked death in the face, time was stopped and now even the simplest things are defined as either before "PA" or after. Our world has changed. I have changed.Funny, Nori hasn't changed at all.
PA no longer is the state we live in, or my profession, it is the two letters that stop our hearts, will drive us mad for literally the rest of our lives, and be a source of daily anxiety. PA is peanut allergy.
Last month at a kids play place I brought peanut butter cupcakes into a "peanut free" zone. I was happy I wasn't caught, now I feel like I should serve jail time for this sin. We can brush against death in so many ways. There is the chronic illness where death looms and is the inevitable. There are the times we almost get in a car accident, but don't and although we look death in the eyes, we forget in a day or two. There is the illness or injury that brings us close and then we fully recover.
Then there is the parent who watches her child come barreling toward death, then veer miraculously to wellness. All is well, there is no repercussions or lingering symptoms. Yet the sheer fear of the threat of death is now all around. And it is not in the ways I have been trained to fear for her. It is not the busy street we live on that I can avoid, it isn't the knives in the dishwasher or the basement door I can close. It is peanuts. Three days ago I worshiped their creaminess in my pancakes, now they are my life long nemesis; I am angry they exist. And I can't hide from or control them or always be able to keep them from her. I am helpless in protecting her. I have not felt this before. I am humbled.
I am still crying, lots. Yet is is a peaceful thankful crying, a cleansing, because under the emotions: all is well. I am saying, everyone is saying,"She is fine."
Yes- peanuts, peanut butter, peanut oil- are easy to see to avoid. But then there is the fine print: MAY CONTAIN, MADE IN A FACTORY THAT PROCESSES. I am going to need glasses by 40 with all the fine print I will be reading. I went online to "allergicchild.com" and cried some more at the stories of parents' losing children. A 17 year old who died from kissing her boyfriend. I am overwhelmed at all the places peanuts can lurk- burger king, five guys, all asian restaurants, are places I will probably never enter again. Will she be with imprisoned at the peanut free table at lunch in grade school? Will she hate me all the fussing I will surely do? I stopped reading online for now.

What will happen to my carefree parenting? Will I be the crazy maniac mother I didn't want to be? Do I have to be this? How can I not?

When we left the hospital, the doctor shook my hand and said,"I am glad everything turned out okay." Who says that?! And yet, I know he meant well.
At work yesterday I hesitated in the medical decisions I had to make- do I know what I am doing? I wanted to ask this to the nurses and doctors in the ER- how do you know what you are doing is right? I am humbled to be entrusted with lives as precious as Nori's.

God, I trust you that your trust me to be a parent. Let us start there.