This Advent, I look down at Miriam and think- this is enough. Just to "come and adore" her everyday. To imagine how God chose to become a baby as I look at her perfectness. I keep thinking, "God truly believed in his product." He had a nose and boogies, and soft chubby legs and little nails that needed clipped. He humbled himself to need to nurse every two hours. To be dependent. What a wonderful God we have.
Miriam looks nothing like me. And I wonder if Mary shared some of my same sentiment- a feeling of caring for someone else's child?
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Christmas thoughts
Last year, I had a huge Christmas "crisis" as I struggled with what to emphasize with Nori. This year, I am confronted with the same questions, but do feel in agreement with my resolve last year that Jesus would be the story I talked about the most. I remember my fear that Jesus would be too watered down and insincere if I attempted to correlate my dear religion to the craziness of Christmas in America. As Nori is begining to be exposed to the symbols around her, trees, lights, images of Santa, it is fun to see her brain make sense of it all. And I realize that she is on her own journey that I don't always control.
She told us that Santa is pretend, and that she wants to be Santa and wear a costume. She knows that Christmas is in honor of Jesus's birth so she sets up the nativity sets as though they were a birthday party- her all time favorite event. So I tell her that the star shows the way to the party and that people traveled from far away to bring gifts.She arranges them and sings Happy Birthday to Jesus as she cradles him. Birthdays and babies- two things she "gets."
In line with her birthday obsession, she often states her birthday is "coming up." When I told her it was after Jesus's, she was not too happy and insisted hers come first. When I ponder what she loves about birthdays, I realize it is the celebration spirit: the people coming together, the beauty of candles and cake, the decorations. But most of all, I imagine it is the "vibe" that I have put off around birthdays and the vibe that is present in these celebrations. I pray that we can allow Christmas to be about this vibe of being together, of lovingly giving the "birthday kid" all the attention.
I realize they left out the food in the manger scenes. Surely Mary was ravenous after giving birth and the first few days of nursing. And surely at a celebration there were treats for those that traveled "from afar."
In another vein, I have also been considering the threats of the "elf on the shelf" and Santa's naughty and nice list. We were shopping and an older, ableit a little scary, woman whispered in Nori's ear, "you know who is coming? You better not be naughty," Nori was understandably confused, what does naughty mean? But really, who is coming? Advent is defined as Jesus is coming! Much of our parenting a two year old includes the "if you ________, then you will get_____" phrases. I am exhausted by and unsure of these tactics at times. And surely, I don't want to make Christmas yet another behavior bribe. If we are going to allow religion to come into Christmas, shouldn't it reflect the beauty of God's grace, of unearned gifts?
I am also disturbed by how if there is a naughty and nice list, who is on the naughty list? And how sad for Nori to think that there might be kids somewhere that don't get gifts because they were bad.
So, today is St Nick's day. As I read about him, I am most struck by his love for children. Just because they are children, he cared for them and gave small treats. Children are in a sense the innocence of humanity, let's not suck them into our adult world of performance and earning.
So I think in some sense St Nick will come by our house, as the giver of gifts- just because. Not because anyone has been nice. As a reflection and celebration of the gift of the grace- of Jesus. And there will be food and joy and singing and candles.
Friday, November 2, 2012
I am two months old!
Hi everyone! It's Miriam:) I am so relaxed that my mom had to twist my arm to write in this blog.
I would rather chill out and enjoy the good life- boobs, sleeping and pooping.
My favorite past time to get my parents attention is throwing up. I spit up 3-4 times after every feeding. At least onece a day I throw in a good projectile vomiting. I like to do it in public places or when Mom doesn't have a burp cloth handy.
This morning was perfect, we were at Please Touch and Mom only brought her purse so she wouldn't have to carry much. I was nursing but she was trying to read the news on her phone and watch Nori in her Elmo costume (everyone thought she was sooo cute.) So I decided to remind Mom that I was around, huge vomit that went down her pants and all in the Ergo. Awesome.
I have been smiling a lot lately. I smile at Mom and Dad's faces the most. I also like my mobile and ceiling fans. Today I was acting like I didn't know how to hold the pacifier in my mouth, so Mama had to keep coming over to give in to me. About the 4th time I couldn't fake it anymore and just started smiling so much.When I smile my eyes disappear because they are small and my cheeks are big.
I haven't laughed yet, I am waiting for something worthy of it. So far it's pretty boring around her. The Big one talks A LOT and cries A LOT. I like it when she is around though because she always makes lots of noises with different toys and shows me them. Mom and Dad barely notice me, I am glad at least she does. Mom left me downstairs with her one morning and when she came back I was covered in stickers and had about 4 stuffed animals all around me.
Mama says I am EASY. I wake up two times at night to eat and sleep most of the day. When I sleep I make this humming noise that Mama says is her absolute favorite sound in the world. She has been video taping me trying to capture it. I also sleep with my eyes open sometimes- just to let them know not to try any funny business while I am sleeping.
I discovered TV this week! Dad usually lets me sleep on the couch with him in the evenings. He noticed that if he doesn't face me toward the TV I strain to look at it:)
Okay, got to get back to my beauty sleep. Don't wake me unless there's an emergency.
Love
Miriam
I would rather chill out and enjoy the good life- boobs, sleeping and pooping.
My favorite past time to get my parents attention is throwing up. I spit up 3-4 times after every feeding. At least onece a day I throw in a good projectile vomiting. I like to do it in public places or when Mom doesn't have a burp cloth handy.
This morning was perfect, we were at Please Touch and Mom only brought her purse so she wouldn't have to carry much. I was nursing but she was trying to read the news on her phone and watch Nori in her Elmo costume (everyone thought she was sooo cute.) So I decided to remind Mom that I was around, huge vomit that went down her pants and all in the Ergo. Awesome.
I have been smiling a lot lately. I smile at Mom and Dad's faces the most. I also like my mobile and ceiling fans. Today I was acting like I didn't know how to hold the pacifier in my mouth, so Mama had to keep coming over to give in to me. About the 4th time I couldn't fake it anymore and just started smiling so much.When I smile my eyes disappear because they are small and my cheeks are big.
I haven't laughed yet, I am waiting for something worthy of it. So far it's pretty boring around her. The Big one talks A LOT and cries A LOT. I like it when she is around though because she always makes lots of noises with different toys and shows me them. Mom and Dad barely notice me, I am glad at least she does. Mom left me downstairs with her one morning and when she came back I was covered in stickers and had about 4 stuffed animals all around me.
Mama says I am EASY. I wake up two times at night to eat and sleep most of the day. When I sleep I make this humming noise that Mama says is her absolute favorite sound in the world. She has been video taping me trying to capture it. I also sleep with my eyes open sometimes- just to let them know not to try any funny business while I am sleeping.
I discovered TV this week! Dad usually lets me sleep on the couch with him in the evenings. He noticed that if he doesn't face me toward the TV I strain to look at it:)
Okay, got to get back to my beauty sleep. Don't wake me unless there's an emergency.
Love
Miriam
Meltdown
I finished Anne Lamont's "operating instructions" yesterday. Her words, a journal of her son's first year, have been food for my soul.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began. I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.
She writes, " it is so incredibly hard to let go of one's passion for control."
How true. This adventure is parenting the past two months has taken me beyond my usual ability to control life. It has also revealed some pretty not pretty parts of me.
I realize I go through life getting "hits" (as Lamont refers to them) of pleasure by setting up tasks I can accomplish or manage. My acceptance of myself is gauged by these moments of feeling "I did it." I see how I not only create the task list in order to feel this way, but how in looking outward to controlling the world (granted my world is quite small at 354 E Church lane right now) I avoid myself.
I came face to face with myself last week. I had a meltdown. "Despondent," is the word that best describes where I was. Pete came home to find me, Nori and Miriam all crying in a dark room.
I told him I couldn't be a mom anymore. I ached for someone to strip off my vomit covered clothes and lay me in bed and sleep for a very very long time.
I felt this meltdown coming. I was on a binge of getting high off of doing and controlling for a few days. I hadn't stopped or checked in with myself. Then I went to a doctor's appointment that presented some overwhelming news. I had planned to can applesauce afterwards which I headed straight into like an addict that couldn't say no to doing. I burned my face while canning and the downward spiral from my "high" began. I plummeted to a low when I picked up Nori from school, my face throbbing and Miriam crying. I told her that I needed her to be good because I was hurt and tired. That didn't go over too well. Now realizing that no kid wants to see their parent weak nor be a parent to them.
All of this passed thanks to a wonderful husband, some rest and of course ice cream.
But I am at a new place this week. If I read Anne Lamont's words last week they wouldn't mean what they do to me now.
Dear God, please allow me to seek serenity in the now. That the goal is not to manage my kids or the day but to enjoy them. To be the beloved of God, by starting with loving myself.
Friday, October 19, 2012
"Time Off": A conversation about maternity leave. . .
I am on maternity leave. This "time off" has been passing week by week, yet somehow I still feel like I am floundering a bit in finding my direction with it. I am awkward in it.
An example of this is how I have lived the past 20 minutes. I made lunch and sat down. Miriam was resting by herself. Then I decided to it would be nice to watch something on TV, I started and stopped 3 different movies. The first with subtitles, that won't work because I can't look at screen while nursing, etc., the second was too violent, the third I started and was just getting into when Miriam wanted to nurse. I nursed her, then she threw up, pooped through diaper. I changed her and kept trying to watch the movie. Then I finished my lunch. Miriam was falling asleep on me and then I remembered I wanted to practice my baby massage on her while Nori was napping still. She wasn't into the massage, and started to cry. I couldn't have her wake up Nori, so I stopped. But I didn't want to redress her in case I could do it later. I stopped the movie, but put some music on to keep Miriam soothed. I held Miriam, made a cup of tea, and attempted to read my book. Miriam fell asleep and I thought I "should" write on blog, so I transferred her to the couch.
I long for a guide to navigate me through this time. Something to help me manage the "wants", the "shoulds", the "need tos" that are in my head.
One voice says take care of yourself- watch movies, read books, drink tea.
Another says enjoy the newborn and do extra "super mom" stuff- learn baby massage, hold her for her naps, take her photo.
There's also the productive voice that tells me to put Miriam down if she's sleeping and do the laundry, clean out a cupboard, pay the bills.
This is all on top of the requirements of the day that can't be avoided- feeding everyone, changing diapers, taking Nori to the potty, dressing ourselves.
So, you can see it can be a bit schizophrenic, this maternity leave thing. Which voice do I follow? There is no boss or deadline or way to measure my days. Just me, my voices, and these two crazy kids. Every day. All day.
The outside voices of others say, "Enjoy your time off." or "Hope you're getting a lot done." or "You won't have time off like this again until you're retired." Although there are all well meaning,
these comments are anxiety producing for me because I fear- am I doing it right? They all emphasize how fast these time is going, which I realize and causes even more anxiety. Am I enjoying her enough? Am I resting enough? Am I getting enough done?
Of course all this "time off" is through the lens of sleeplessness and a good bit of hormonal instability. I was talking about my misdirection in this season with a friend this morning and she asked me to look at my time like a pie chart.
If that's the case, I would wager that 40% is spent in required activities- feeding, dressing, diapering, potty time, dishes. These we must do to survive. Another 10% is spent doing house stuff- laundry, cleaning, organizing. These things don't "have" to be done but if I don't do them I would be living in pig sty and really lose my sanity. That leaves 50% of my time to choose how to use.
I would guess I spend 20% enjoying Miriam's newborn-ness, playing with them both, or Nori centered activities. The other 20% I do things for me: naps, tea,friends, exercise, coffee (actually this should be under the required survival category)books, movies.
That leaves 10%.
This is the time I am trying to make "count." I have thoughts of how I wish I could write and publish a book on this topic of maternity leave during maternity leave to help other women. (Yes, sleeplessness causes unrealistic visions of grandeur.) I should be making all my christmas gifts, canning applesauce, and cleaning out cupboards. I can feel unnecessary guilt at not tackling these. This would be one of my main topics in my book- let go of quilt and any desire to be accomplished:)
I had my 6 week postpartum check yesterday. It was nice to have a chance to sit and process Miriam's birth. To pause in all this "doing" to realize- a being, a LIFE, came through me and into our home and hearts. Regardless of how I am spending my days (and nights,) this is the highest calling- to be aware of the divinity all around me.To be present.
May this voice to "be present" be louder than all the others. Whether working at a job or on maternity leave, my family (me included) is not something to be managed- but enjoyed.
So as the day comes with all of its shoulds, wants, and have-tos, I hope to be present. The day will pass, one way or the other. My maternity leave will end soon. I hope the memories are snapshots of beauty and not any great accomplishment. Then maybe years from now, I will come back to this blog posting and write that book.
An example of this is how I have lived the past 20 minutes. I made lunch and sat down. Miriam was resting by herself. Then I decided to it would be nice to watch something on TV, I started and stopped 3 different movies. The first with subtitles, that won't work because I can't look at screen while nursing, etc., the second was too violent, the third I started and was just getting into when Miriam wanted to nurse. I nursed her, then she threw up, pooped through diaper. I changed her and kept trying to watch the movie. Then I finished my lunch. Miriam was falling asleep on me and then I remembered I wanted to practice my baby massage on her while Nori was napping still. She wasn't into the massage, and started to cry. I couldn't have her wake up Nori, so I stopped. But I didn't want to redress her in case I could do it later. I stopped the movie, but put some music on to keep Miriam soothed. I held Miriam, made a cup of tea, and attempted to read my book. Miriam fell asleep and I thought I "should" write on blog, so I transferred her to the couch.
I long for a guide to navigate me through this time. Something to help me manage the "wants", the "shoulds", the "need tos" that are in my head.
One voice says take care of yourself- watch movies, read books, drink tea.
Another says enjoy the newborn and do extra "super mom" stuff- learn baby massage, hold her for her naps, take her photo.
There's also the productive voice that tells me to put Miriam down if she's sleeping and do the laundry, clean out a cupboard, pay the bills.
This is all on top of the requirements of the day that can't be avoided- feeding everyone, changing diapers, taking Nori to the potty, dressing ourselves.
So, you can see it can be a bit schizophrenic, this maternity leave thing. Which voice do I follow? There is no boss or deadline or way to measure my days. Just me, my voices, and these two crazy kids. Every day. All day.
The outside voices of others say, "Enjoy your time off." or "Hope you're getting a lot done." or "You won't have time off like this again until you're retired." Although there are all well meaning,
these comments are anxiety producing for me because I fear- am I doing it right? They all emphasize how fast these time is going, which I realize and causes even more anxiety. Am I enjoying her enough? Am I resting enough? Am I getting enough done?
Of course all this "time off" is through the lens of sleeplessness and a good bit of hormonal instability. I was talking about my misdirection in this season with a friend this morning and she asked me to look at my time like a pie chart.
If that's the case, I would wager that 40% is spent in required activities- feeding, dressing, diapering, potty time, dishes. These we must do to survive. Another 10% is spent doing house stuff- laundry, cleaning, organizing. These things don't "have" to be done but if I don't do them I would be living in pig sty and really lose my sanity. That leaves 50% of my time to choose how to use.
I would guess I spend 20% enjoying Miriam's newborn-ness, playing with them both, or Nori centered activities. The other 20% I do things for me: naps, tea,friends, exercise, coffee (actually this should be under the required survival category)books, movies.
That leaves 10%.
This is the time I am trying to make "count." I have thoughts of how I wish I could write and publish a book on this topic of maternity leave during maternity leave to help other women. (Yes, sleeplessness causes unrealistic visions of grandeur.) I should be making all my christmas gifts, canning applesauce, and cleaning out cupboards. I can feel unnecessary guilt at not tackling these. This would be one of my main topics in my book- let go of quilt and any desire to be accomplished:)
I had my 6 week postpartum check yesterday. It was nice to have a chance to sit and process Miriam's birth. To pause in all this "doing" to realize- a being, a LIFE, came through me and into our home and hearts. Regardless of how I am spending my days (and nights,) this is the highest calling- to be aware of the divinity all around me.To be present.
May this voice to "be present" be louder than all the others. Whether working at a job or on maternity leave, my family (me included) is not something to be managed- but enjoyed.
So as the day comes with all of its shoulds, wants, and have-tos, I hope to be present. The day will pass, one way or the other. My maternity leave will end soon. I hope the memories are snapshots of beauty and not any great accomplishment. Then maybe years from now, I will come back to this blog posting and write that book.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Onesie anyone?
I've been thinking a lot the past month of how being a post partum mom and a newborn are a lot alike.
For starters, there is enough "bodily maintenance" to last all day. For baby- diapering, nursing, lotions, baths. For mom- diapering (oh yes!), nursing, lotions and baths. By the time we are both clean and fed it's noon and time to begin again.
I feel like I need to eat as often as she does- so hungry from breastfeeding!
Then there's the crying. Nori asks a million times a day- why is Miriam crying? And I reply with the same few answers "babies don't have words" or "sometimes we don't know why babies cry." Sometimes Mommy cries and we don't know why too. And sometimes Mommy can't find words.
And the sleepiness. Miriam gets to drift in and out of this wonderful foggy state of being. I drift in and out of being coherent as well. We both look a bit glazed over most of the time.
The other evening when the weather got chillier, I woke up to find that I had swaddled myself in my sheets. She too finds comfort in being swaddled.
There is one thing that I don't get to have that she does. And I am jealous. She gets to wear those onesies that have the long sleeves to cover her hands. What a state of dependency to get to have your hands covered all day. And what a state of not doing anything, but allowing others to care for you.
I wish I could wear one and lay in bed all day.
For starters, there is enough "bodily maintenance" to last all day. For baby- diapering, nursing, lotions, baths. For mom- diapering (oh yes!), nursing, lotions and baths. By the time we are both clean and fed it's noon and time to begin again.
I feel like I need to eat as often as she does- so hungry from breastfeeding!
Then there's the crying. Nori asks a million times a day- why is Miriam crying? And I reply with the same few answers "babies don't have words" or "sometimes we don't know why babies cry." Sometimes Mommy cries and we don't know why too. And sometimes Mommy can't find words.
And the sleepiness. Miriam gets to drift in and out of this wonderful foggy state of being. I drift in and out of being coherent as well. We both look a bit glazed over most of the time.
The other evening when the weather got chillier, I woke up to find that I had swaddled myself in my sheets. She too finds comfort in being swaddled.
There is one thing that I don't get to have that she does. And I am jealous. She gets to wear those onesies that have the long sleeves to cover her hands. What a state of dependency to get to have your hands covered all day. And what a state of not doing anything, but allowing others to care for you.
I wish I could wear one and lay in bed all day.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Miriam's Hospital Stay
A lot has happened in the week since I have written. Miriam (and I ) were in the hospital for 3 nights. It started out with an afternoon of fussiness and when we took her temperature it was 101. Pete and I were off to the hospital with her after getting Nori situated.
Like most crises I find myself remaining calm and down playing the seriousness up to a certain point. When we started our adventure, my biggest concern was all the poking and prodding I knew they would put her thru. I wasn't that worried that something was actually "wrong."
Poked and prodded they surely did- drawing blood, urine catheter, xrays, lumbar puncture. They gave her some tylenol, her fever came down, and I was ready to go home to bed. She was cooing happily.
No such luck. We were told she would be admitted. I was still okay with this, thinking it would be one night and surely not too uncomfortable- we were at CHOP, supposedly the best hospital in the nation. They would have a nice spacious room for us to rest. My cool was fading fast after waiting several more hours for a room. I was starting to lose it.We got to her room, Pete left. And I lost it.
Her temperature spiked to 103, they started 3-4 different anitbiotics, and was connected to heart monitors, pulse ox, ivs. Doctors and nurses filed in one after another to our room. They smiled and talked about things that were all starting to blur together. I would nod and try to appear calm.
Then the worst night of my life began.
Miriam was tethered to her array of machines next to a crib where she was expected to sleep. There was a small bed a few feet away where I was expected to sleep. The cords didn't reach.
There were several variables that no one addressed. She was two weeks old and I barely knew how to soothe, nurse and change her diaper at home, let alone in this jungle of cords, with nowhere for me to lay next to her (I did consider more than once climbing into the crib.) The most horrible fact was that she was in terrible pain, moaning and whimpering with a fever of 103. The machines beeped, the hallway lights glared into our little torture chamber of a corner of a room and I haven't even mentioned our roommate yet. She was a few weeks old as well with just as many cries as Miriam and two parents that snored, boy did they snore.
I tried to comfort Miriam. Then I would lay her down and go to my cot. Five minutes later someone was crying- I was back up to see if it was Mira or our roomate. Then a machine would beep. The bathroom door would slam, a nurse would come in. I was delirious. I was delirious with the lack of sleep. I was trapped, like on an airplane ride that wouldn't end. And worst of all every few minutes I was overwhelmed with fear- my baby had a fever and the doctors kept saying "there is nothing else we can do." It was viral meningitis.
For the next two days, her little body shook and moaned. She curled up on Pete or I's chest and we held her tight. In the daylight, things seemed a little better. I couldn't stopped crying. Maybe it was the postpartum hormones, or lack of sleep. But mostly it was feeling this little creature tremble, as though my own body was trembling. She came out of me two weeks ago. It was my blood and body that created her and pushed her into her miniature breathing and pooping self. And now stuck to me, my body wanted to do all it could to cause her to survive.
I entered this strange hyperalert state. I had no mental capability beyond nursing, holding her, crying, and eating. Man, I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was in survival mode and something told me to eat, to nurse, to stay awake.
There was of course, the occaional trip to the bathroom, a five minute no soap shower, or a visit from Nori or a friend. These things were welcomed distractions, but before long, I was driven back to the room by a force greater than myself- to will this little baby to health. By day four, her fever broke. I could feel my heart relax. I thought about my bed at home. I was finally able to feel the fatigue.
During our stay, I didn't pray. I had a faint feeling that God was present but I didn't feel the ability to enter into any spiritual part of myself. I was too consumed by this vigilant mother state of doing things.
I was amazed at the friends and family that reached out with visits, with calls and texts. This was something tangible. I was held up by their love This was my faith when I couldn't summon the faith to talk directly to God. When I couldn't pray, others did.
Now, looking back, after many many hours of sleep, I wonder did I really believe God would help Miriam? Is my faith what I thought it was? Or maybe that is what believing is all about- realizing how little I believe. Being able to be weak, to depend on friends and family, to love beyond where I know it is going "to be okay." To be mothered by God.
Oh- what love God must have for us, even if it is a fraction of what I feel for little Miriam.
We are blessed to be called children of God.
Like most crises I find myself remaining calm and down playing the seriousness up to a certain point. When we started our adventure, my biggest concern was all the poking and prodding I knew they would put her thru. I wasn't that worried that something was actually "wrong."
Poked and prodded they surely did- drawing blood, urine catheter, xrays, lumbar puncture. They gave her some tylenol, her fever came down, and I was ready to go home to bed. She was cooing happily.
No such luck. We were told she would be admitted. I was still okay with this, thinking it would be one night and surely not too uncomfortable- we were at CHOP, supposedly the best hospital in the nation. They would have a nice spacious room for us to rest. My cool was fading fast after waiting several more hours for a room. I was starting to lose it.We got to her room, Pete left. And I lost it.
Her temperature spiked to 103, they started 3-4 different anitbiotics, and was connected to heart monitors, pulse ox, ivs. Doctors and nurses filed in one after another to our room. They smiled and talked about things that were all starting to blur together. I would nod and try to appear calm.
Then the worst night of my life began.
Miriam was tethered to her array of machines next to a crib where she was expected to sleep. There was a small bed a few feet away where I was expected to sleep. The cords didn't reach.
There were several variables that no one addressed. She was two weeks old and I barely knew how to soothe, nurse and change her diaper at home, let alone in this jungle of cords, with nowhere for me to lay next to her (I did consider more than once climbing into the crib.) The most horrible fact was that she was in terrible pain, moaning and whimpering with a fever of 103. The machines beeped, the hallway lights glared into our little torture chamber of a corner of a room and I haven't even mentioned our roommate yet. She was a few weeks old as well with just as many cries as Miriam and two parents that snored, boy did they snore.
I tried to comfort Miriam. Then I would lay her down and go to my cot. Five minutes later someone was crying- I was back up to see if it was Mira or our roomate. Then a machine would beep. The bathroom door would slam, a nurse would come in. I was delirious. I was delirious with the lack of sleep. I was trapped, like on an airplane ride that wouldn't end. And worst of all every few minutes I was overwhelmed with fear- my baby had a fever and the doctors kept saying "there is nothing else we can do." It was viral meningitis.
I entered this strange hyperalert state. I had no mental capability beyond nursing, holding her, crying, and eating. Man, I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was in survival mode and something told me to eat, to nurse, to stay awake.
There was of course, the occaional trip to the bathroom, a five minute no soap shower, or a visit from Nori or a friend. These things were welcomed distractions, but before long, I was driven back to the room by a force greater than myself- to will this little baby to health. By day four, her fever broke. I could feel my heart relax. I thought about my bed at home. I was finally able to feel the fatigue.
During our stay, I didn't pray. I had a faint feeling that God was present but I didn't feel the ability to enter into any spiritual part of myself. I was too consumed by this vigilant mother state of doing things.
I was amazed at the friends and family that reached out with visits, with calls and texts. This was something tangible. I was held up by their love This was my faith when I couldn't summon the faith to talk directly to God. When I couldn't pray, others did.
Now, looking back, after many many hours of sleep, I wonder did I really believe God would help Miriam? Is my faith what I thought it was? Or maybe that is what believing is all about- realizing how little I believe. Being able to be weak, to depend on friends and family, to love beyond where I know it is going "to be okay." To be mothered by God.
Oh- what love God must have for us, even if it is a fraction of what I feel for little Miriam.
We are blessed to be called children of God.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Someone's Mother-Again
I was looking at Miriam's birth photos today and was struck by the fact that I am someone's mother. The one who grew her inside of me, brought her into the world through me- literally. And now that she born, the one she is dependent on for life. The one who will adore and love her. The one who knows her little self more than any other. Yet today I realize I must enter this knowing of her with curiosity and patience. It was a long night.
Throughout the night, I didn't know if she wanted swaddled tighter, or to take it off. If she was hungry or too full and gasy. Was she hot or cold? Was her diaper wet bothering her? Did she want to be upright or on her side. All night we thrashed around the room together in a sea of blankets, leaking breast milk, pillows, nipple cream, snacks and spit up. Both her clothes and mine strewn everywhere in my attempts to adjust each of our temperatures multiple times throughout the night. I am surprised to find that my mothering is not as natural as I thought. After a night of trying "everything" to soothe her, my prayer this morning was- let me get to know Miriam Lord. I feel that I am not the mother I am supposed to be, the one that I feel I am for Nori in the sense of knowing her so well.
It is Monday, I was grateful to bring Nori to school and have a chance to just be Miriam's mom. To bath her slowly, trim her nails, massage her with special baby oil. And to lazily ponder over the past two weeks of her photos. I read a baby books re her development and spent five minutes sticking out my tongue to see if she will imitate me as the book says she may. I dusted off the mobile and decided she would have "play time." After all this I called Pete and found myself crying on the phone. I didn't feel particularly hormonal before calling. I talked to him about the morning and how she was still fussy despite all my attention and energy. He seemed world's away in a place with adults that required him to be working. Here I was in this small bubble of a morning, with my baby. I cried because I felt alone, this bubble is meant to only hold the two of us today.
I hung up with Pete and debated a shower as I tried to continue to rock her as she whimpered.
Maybe a shower will make me feel more human and clear my mind. I looked down to realize she was asleep as I also realized I had forgotten the most logical explanation for her cries- she was hungry.
I hadn't fed for for over two hours.
Again, I am someone's mother, and I must start again in getting to know this little one. I need grace, I need showers. I need a little sleep and a little common sense wouldn't hurt either.
Throughout the night, I didn't know if she wanted swaddled tighter, or to take it off. If she was hungry or too full and gasy. Was she hot or cold? Was her diaper wet bothering her? Did she want to be upright or on her side. All night we thrashed around the room together in a sea of blankets, leaking breast milk, pillows, nipple cream, snacks and spit up. Both her clothes and mine strewn everywhere in my attempts to adjust each of our temperatures multiple times throughout the night. I am surprised to find that my mothering is not as natural as I thought. After a night of trying "everything" to soothe her, my prayer this morning was- let me get to know Miriam Lord. I feel that I am not the mother I am supposed to be, the one that I feel I am for Nori in the sense of knowing her so well.
It is Monday, I was grateful to bring Nori to school and have a chance to just be Miriam's mom. To bath her slowly, trim her nails, massage her with special baby oil. And to lazily ponder over the past two weeks of her photos. I read a baby books re her development and spent five minutes sticking out my tongue to see if she will imitate me as the book says she may. I dusted off the mobile and decided she would have "play time." After all this I called Pete and found myself crying on the phone. I didn't feel particularly hormonal before calling. I talked to him about the morning and how she was still fussy despite all my attention and energy. He seemed world's away in a place with adults that required him to be working. Here I was in this small bubble of a morning, with my baby. I cried because I felt alone, this bubble is meant to only hold the two of us today.
I hung up with Pete and debated a shower as I tried to continue to rock her as she whimpered.
Maybe a shower will make me feel more human and clear my mind. I looked down to realize she was asleep as I also realized I had forgotten the most logical explanation for her cries- she was hungry.
I hadn't fed for for over two hours.
Again, I am someone's mother, and I must start again in getting to know this little one. I need grace, I need showers. I need a little sleep and a little common sense wouldn't hurt either.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
She's Here!
Tomorrow is Miriam's two week birthday. I just got back from the pool. It was the first time I exercised and the first time I was away from Miriam. Something about the trip to the pool felt like it ended the first small chapter in her life. There is so much to say about this first little blur of a chapter- where to begin?
I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin. I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity. All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.
I am a mom again. So much of it is like a re-run of Nori's newborn days: the smells of spit up and breast milk, the dizziness of sleeplessness, the aching back and sore breasts. The black hair- everywhere- her back and legs and little shoulders. The tears that come for no reason at all. Being hypnotized for hours, just looking at her.
Yet, in many ways, it feels like a completely new experience. I am not afraid. I am not afraid that she will consume my life. There is a willingness in my heart to give to her whatever part of me she needs. I woke the third night of her life to nurse her for the 4th time in 6 hours and there was complete joy in seeing her. I am not afraid of her. I know that there is person inside that grunting, pooping-spitting breast milk out her nose-little gremlin. I know these days will pass so quickly and I have a bird's eye sense of where I am, despite the bluriness. I know that in a few days I will be able to physically carry her, the bleeding and aching will slow down. In a few weeks she will smile, in a few months she won't fall sleep all curled up on my chest as though she is still inside me.She will want more space. She will forget how our hearts beated so close to one another as her body was formed in a warm sea of water.
So for now, I won't hurry. I won't hurry back to the life that I love- full of activity. All that will surely wait for me. I will soak her in as much as my eyes and heart can hold. It feels like trying to hold water and watching it slip through my hands. Knowing she is not mine, yet trying desperately to capture her-to take that photo that will stop time and allow me to remember this.
Mother of two
Yesterday was first day home with both Nori and Mira. It was more natural than I expected. There is a balancing between them, although Nori seems to require much more than Mira for now.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
I cried once because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days. It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.
Lord, let me be thankful in all things, knowing you will give me my daily bread and having joy in all things that you have given me.
Nori is loud and Mira quiet. Nori engages my mind and patience. Mira needs my body and is unpredictable.
I cried once because I was overwhelmed. I was trying to make a simple phone call to roder a wedding gift and they were both crying. I couldn't even hear the woman on the other end
I cried another time for sheer joy. I found that Nori had put Miriam's lovie blanket and pacifier in her seat with her, tucked under her blanket with such sincerity. My daughter is kind- I was brought to my knees with thankfulness and wonder.
As I was falling alseep last night I realized that my own attitude is based on the voices I choose to hear in my head and who I compare myself to. For example, do I hear the voice of my friends asking how tired I must be? Anf feel sorry for myself? Or do I listen to a mom friend who delights in skipping her nap to watch her baby sleep. I have friends that are home full time with two or more kids and I feel grateful I am only home with them both pnly two days a week. Or I could compare myself to another friend who is home with her baby full time while the older one is in school 5 days. It is also easy to feel sorry for myself when comparing myself to Pete, who gets to sleep through the night. How I feel, all seems to be relevant to who I am looking at. Why not just keep my gaze close? To realize the secret of being content- in seeing the abundance of my heart and life.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
From Mama
Nori,
I have loved these last days of us as "threesome." You are truly the delight of our hearts. You sparkle so much. And cause my heart to sparkle in return. We love your passion, your zeal. You exhaust us with your volatitily and dramatic-ness. But we wouldn't want you any other way than as you.
Can I really love another as I love you? But they say our love will only grow for you, but I am sad to imagine another capturing our hearts. But our hearts will grow to love you more because of her and to love her more because of you.
A prayer for my sister daughters-
May you always embrace her as your sister. The one you shared my womb with. The one who most closely shares your blood and flesh. May you always spur each other on to be better. To love others more, to love yourselves more, to be reflections of God's grace. To forgive each other and yourselves. May your relationship come from a place of authenticity and may you each be truly unique in our eyes and in yours.Amen.
We love you and believe in you Big Sister!
Mama
I have loved these last days of us as "threesome." You are truly the delight of our hearts. You sparkle so much. And cause my heart to sparkle in return. We love your passion, your zeal. You exhaust us with your volatitily and dramatic-ness. But we wouldn't want you any other way than as you.
Can I really love another as I love you? But they say our love will only grow for you, but I am sad to imagine another capturing our hearts. But our hearts will grow to love you more because of her and to love her more because of you.
A prayer for my sister daughters-
May you always embrace her as your sister. The one you shared my womb with. The one who most closely shares your blood and flesh. May you always spur each other on to be better. To love others more, to love yourselves more, to be reflections of God's grace. To forgive each other and yourselves. May your relationship come from a place of authenticity and may you each be truly unique in our eyes and in yours.Amen.
We love you and believe in you Big Sister!
Mama
Monday, August 20, 2012
She's Coming!!!!
My Baby Sister is almost here!!! I can hardly wait. When I get excited that something is about to happen, I ask Mama, "To-Now?!!!" There's today, tomorrow, tonight, why not to-now? Mommy says no, not to-now, but soon!!
Mama has been talking to me a lot about Baby Sister. She says that when she comes Mama is going to have to rest in bed for a few days. I am going to be her BIG helper. And I will have to play by myself more because Mama will be nursing Baby Sister. I pulled my shirt up the other day and discovered that "I have boobies too!" And that I will have milk for Baby Sister too, then Mommy can rest more.
Daddy says he doesn't have any milk, I guess he won't be doing any nursing.
Sometimes I look in Mommy's belly button and see Baby Sister, she is SOoooo cute. She likes to kick me sometimes. Mama says when she comes out she will give Mama an ouchie and I said, "Baby Sister- don't hit my Mommy!" I like to listen to Mommy's belly too. The other day, Baby Sister told me she wants to come home now.
And then there's the whole bit about sharing. Daddy and Mommy both like to talk about sharing A LOT lately. I think sharing is over rated. Who likes sharing and why? Mommy and Daddy's friends like to say, "I am in for a big suprise," when Baby Sister comes. I love suprises, so this doesn't sound too bad to me.
In other news, I started SCHOOL a few weeks ago. I love it! I love the teachers, the art projects, and all my new friends. I still cry "just a little bit" when Mommy and Daddy drop me off. They say I am dramatic. I guess they are refering to how I flail my body around and scream when they leave. Then within a few minutes I get into my day at school. Mommy and Daddy really love my school too, they say it is better than they expected and that they like the curriculum, the teachers and all the stimulus it gives me. The other day I told Mom (I like to call her this every once in while to show her how grown up I am) that "Sometimes I ride the school bus to school." She was impressed, but then I heard her talking to Daddy- something about my first lie. I wonder what a lie is.
When Baby Sister comes, I am in charge of getting her party ready!! I am so excited! I picked out a cake mix and I am going to blow up balloons.
Mama and Daddy are going to go to the Doctor's to get her. I go with Mama to the Doctor's to check on her every week now. I get to hold the tape measure to measure her, press the button to listen to her heart, and then I get my heart checked to.
Mama says that I was born at the same place. When I came out, I was a little baby too! Now I am growing up! I can even dress and undress myself most days. Sometimes at night or in the morning I get dressed by myself on top of my PJs. I also like trying on all my different shoes. Mama found me once surrounded by three of my favorite pairs, fast asleep. I wear underewears now sometimes too. I like to try to use the potty at least once a day, but usually nothing comes out except farts.
The three of us have had SO much fun this summer. We went camping! I got to ride in a boat, roast marshmallows and sleep in a tent! We had lots of fun day trips too. I went to Nana and Pappy's for a weekend with Mama. Mama and I enjoyed our days together during the week so much. We felt like the perfect duo. Yesterday we took the blanket to the playground so we could lay back and imagine what all the clouds could be. And I have been swimming LOTS. We found a pool where I can where my floaties and swim without any help from Mommy or Daddy! Mommy says I am "pure delight" when I swim. I feel like I just bubble over with joy because I am so happy and feel so many wonderful sensations swimming in the water.
I guess I will have to "share" my blog with Baby Sister too. I wonder what we call it now.
Wish me luck! I will write again once she is here!
Mama has been talking to me a lot about Baby Sister. She says that when she comes Mama is going to have to rest in bed for a few days. I am going to be her BIG helper. And I will have to play by myself more because Mama will be nursing Baby Sister. I pulled my shirt up the other day and discovered that "I have boobies too!" And that I will have milk for Baby Sister too, then Mommy can rest more.
Daddy says he doesn't have any milk, I guess he won't be doing any nursing.
Sometimes I look in Mommy's belly button and see Baby Sister, she is SOoooo cute. She likes to kick me sometimes. Mama says when she comes out she will give Mama an ouchie and I said, "Baby Sister- don't hit my Mommy!" I like to listen to Mommy's belly too. The other day, Baby Sister told me she wants to come home now.
And then there's the whole bit about sharing. Daddy and Mommy both like to talk about sharing A LOT lately. I think sharing is over rated. Who likes sharing and why? Mommy and Daddy's friends like to say, "I am in for a big suprise," when Baby Sister comes. I love suprises, so this doesn't sound too bad to me.
In other news, I started SCHOOL a few weeks ago. I love it! I love the teachers, the art projects, and all my new friends. I still cry "just a little bit" when Mommy and Daddy drop me off. They say I am dramatic. I guess they are refering to how I flail my body around and scream when they leave. Then within a few minutes I get into my day at school. Mommy and Daddy really love my school too, they say it is better than they expected and that they like the curriculum, the teachers and all the stimulus it gives me. The other day I told Mom (I like to call her this every once in while to show her how grown up I am) that "Sometimes I ride the school bus to school." She was impressed, but then I heard her talking to Daddy- something about my first lie. I wonder what a lie is.
When Baby Sister comes, I am in charge of getting her party ready!! I am so excited! I picked out a cake mix and I am going to blow up balloons.
Mama and Daddy are going to go to the Doctor's to get her. I go with Mama to the Doctor's to check on her every week now. I get to hold the tape measure to measure her, press the button to listen to her heart, and then I get my heart checked to.
Mama says that I was born at the same place. When I came out, I was a little baby too! Now I am growing up! I can even dress and undress myself most days. Sometimes at night or in the morning I get dressed by myself on top of my PJs. I also like trying on all my different shoes. Mama found me once surrounded by three of my favorite pairs, fast asleep. I wear underewears now sometimes too. I like to try to use the potty at least once a day, but usually nothing comes out except farts.
The three of us have had SO much fun this summer. We went camping! I got to ride in a boat, roast marshmallows and sleep in a tent! We had lots of fun day trips too. I went to Nana and Pappy's for a weekend with Mama. Mama and I enjoyed our days together during the week so much. We felt like the perfect duo. Yesterday we took the blanket to the playground so we could lay back and imagine what all the clouds could be. And I have been swimming LOTS. We found a pool where I can where my floaties and swim without any help from Mommy or Daddy! Mommy says I am "pure delight" when I swim. I feel like I just bubble over with joy because I am so happy and feel so many wonderful sensations swimming in the water.
I guess I will have to "share" my blog with Baby Sister too. I wonder what we call it now.
Wish me luck! I will write again once she is here!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My Dog Park Room
Now that I am going to be a BIG sister, I got a new room! Mama calls it a "forest" theme. But the only forest I go for walks in is the dog park, so I call it my dog park room.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
OBX
Vacation number two this spring was our family vacation in the Outerbanks. The past 6 weeks have been such a blessed season for us that we hardly felt like we "needed" a vacation. Nori has been in a wonderfully content and fun stage and we have been fully enjoying all of springs wonders: the garden, swimming, and longer days.
Our trip to the beach was an extension of that joy and we loved spending time together. Instead of feeling the need to pull away for our own rest, we wanted to spend all the time we could with her.
She loved it all!
Here's what she had to say. . .
I stayed in a PINK beach house for a whole week. At first I called it "Hannah's beach house" because I thought it was where she lived, but then Mama told me it was mine too!
I got to ride on my tricycle everyday down to the beach. I still don't want to let them know I can pedal, so I place my feet up high and enjoy the ride. I liked carrying my bookbag and my beach chair on my shoulders. I looked SO grown up.
I also got to take trips on the back of Mama's bike-fun!
Everyday I was more brave with the ocean. At first I just liked to get my feet wet, but by Friday I loved being held up to my chin as the waves took me up and down, "up and down" I would say and scream with delight.
One day I had a BAD ear infection and had to go to the hospital. When we came back, Mama took me down to the beach just to say hi to everyone and then go back to the house to rest. But it ended up being the therapy I needed. I cozied between Mama's legs as she sat in the surf and for the first time all day was not crying or thinking about my ear!Mama said she was so happy to see my smile again. I think the surf was therapy for her to after hearing me scream for so long.
But even more than the ocean, I loved the sand. At times, I just layed on my belly and felt its goodness all over me. I loved building, and using water to make masterpieces. Daddy helped me make A LOT of sandcastles, mouts and animals, my favorite was the crocodile.
Nana taught me how to look for shells. Sometimes I would go for a walk and collect them in a bucket and other times I would go in the surf and see what the sifter would pull up.
I liked putting the shells on my necklace.
Daddy helped me fly my kite!! twice! It was so fun to hold it and make the fish move through the sky.
I had tons of fun with my cousins. I played well with Hannah and Emma but Molly and I kept fighting over the same toys. She doesn't talk yet, but surely knows how to push my buttons!
We went fishing at the nature center but didn't catch any fish.
I had so much fun, that when it was time to leave, I cried, "I don't wanna go home." Mama cried a little too because she said it broke her heart to see how sad I was. But then she told me we get to go back next year- can't wait!!
Our trip to the beach was an extension of that joy and we loved spending time together. Instead of feeling the need to pull away for our own rest, we wanted to spend all the time we could with her.
She loved it all!
Here's what she had to say. . .
I stayed in a PINK beach house for a whole week. At first I called it "Hannah's beach house" because I thought it was where she lived, but then Mama told me it was mine too!
I got to ride on my tricycle everyday down to the beach. I still don't want to let them know I can pedal, so I place my feet up high and enjoy the ride. I liked carrying my bookbag and my beach chair on my shoulders. I looked SO grown up.
I also got to take trips on the back of Mama's bike-fun!
Everyday I was more brave with the ocean. At first I just liked to get my feet wet, but by Friday I loved being held up to my chin as the waves took me up and down, "up and down" I would say and scream with delight.
One day I had a BAD ear infection and had to go to the hospital. When we came back, Mama took me down to the beach just to say hi to everyone and then go back to the house to rest. But it ended up being the therapy I needed. I cozied between Mama's legs as she sat in the surf and for the first time all day was not crying or thinking about my ear!Mama said she was so happy to see my smile again. I think the surf was therapy for her to after hearing me scream for so long.
But even more than the ocean, I loved the sand. At times, I just layed on my belly and felt its goodness all over me. I loved building, and using water to make masterpieces. Daddy helped me make A LOT of sandcastles, mouts and animals, my favorite was the crocodile.
Nana taught me how to look for shells. Sometimes I would go for a walk and collect them in a bucket and other times I would go in the surf and see what the sifter would pull up.
I liked putting the shells on my necklace.
Daddy helped me fly my kite!! twice! It was so fun to hold it and make the fish move through the sky.
I had tons of fun with my cousins. I played well with Hannah and Emma but Molly and I kept fighting over the same toys. She doesn't talk yet, but surely knows how to push my buttons!
We went fishing at the nature center but didn't catch any fish.
I had so much fun, that when it was time to leave, I cried, "I don't wanna go home." Mama cried a little too because she said it broke her heart to see how sad I was. But then she told me we get to go back next year- can't wait!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
First Phillies Game
I had so much fun at the Phillies game last night! I loved all the people, but whoah- there sure were a lot!!
I held tight to Daddy's hand. I liked watching the players down close. Then when we went to our seats, I kept saying "I want to go down there and play with the ball." It seemed so far away!
I don't know why, but every once in awhile everyone would stand up and scream and clap. I loved it and yet it made me want to cover my ears!!
My favorite part was that EVERYONE had on my shirt! I couldn't believe it. All those people want to be like me!
I held tight to Daddy's hand. I liked watching the players down close. Then when we went to our seats, I kept saying "I want to go down there and play with the ball." It seemed so far away!
I don't know why, but every once in awhile everyone would stand up and scream and clap. I loved it and yet it made me want to cover my ears!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Nori's Vacation from her Parents
The first week of May, Pete and I went on vacation for a whole WEEK to Belize. In preparing to leave, I had waves of angst and doubt. Is it natural for parents to "abandon" their child for a week? Will she understand? And I had equal moments of justification. I NEEDed a break. It is okay and good to care for ourselves. In building and nuturing ourselves and each other, we will be better parents. A few days before we left, she had another ear infection and somehow this internal battle shifted to- "I am leaving and deserve a break. Nori will be fine, more importantly I will be fine. Adios."
We left and did we EVER enjoy it. It was such a peaceful and non stressful vacation. The beach was gorgeous, the water, the sun, the lack of schedule. The big open expanses of time with nothing to do! And the adventure of good food, snorkeling, jungle treking and tubing.
And of course, by mid week we sorely missed Nori. I had to discipline my heart to not dwell on her and didn't look at her photo until on the plane home. By day 4-5, our schedule had slowed down it was hard to not feel heart broken. But that was okay, to miss her, to feel the distance that separates us not only when we are miles apart. Even living under the same roof- we are separate people. And this was a good reminder.
We checked email several times a day to hear news of her, and it was all good news, according to my sister she was doing great.We hoped this was true, but could hardly believe when it was not only true, but beyond that.
She slept perfectly, she didn't ask for us once?! and played well with her cousins.
When we returned home, I expected some regression, but much to our suprise- she had taken a huge step forward in her development. I saw it in her eyes, the first Monday we were home: independence. She is okay in herself. She doesn't have as much anxiety leaving us when we go to work. She is falling asleep on her own with no crying or stress. She figured out that she is part introvert. She needs her time waking up along in the morning and unwinding at night.
So, in the end, she needed a vacation from us! We are so proud of her for taking this development step. Not to mention, proud of ourselves for allowing her the space to do it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Happy to see you Bobo!
Nori now warmly greeted her Bobo with "Happy to see you Bobo," and fell asleep by herself for a few blessed days. BUT then she acquires croup (again) over the weekend, says good bye to her life long friend the dog Bella, and has ended up back in our bed every night around 1-2 am.
There are so many questions around sleep that I have. Do you work towards your overall goal or just make it through the day? Right now, it's working for all three of us to have her fall asleep on her own in the big girl bed with "big girl" bobo and then like clock work she wakes in the middle of the night to move to our bed.
And when I say she wakes, she wakes screaming bloody murder and kicks and fails her body until we lay with her in bed. Forget a stop at the bathroom for Mama to pee, no way, that would be more drama.
Is she inately so intense or did our sleep training (when she was younger) scar her?
Would we do things differently if we did it again with Nori? with the new baby?
I guess why these questions weigh so heavily on me is because I feel in some way it is a sign of a successful parent to have a independent sleeping child.
Why do I feel that way?
Why do I feel like the nights of the three of us sleeping happily together are a failure? She loves now to wrap her arms around one of our necks as she in sleeping. She keeps track of the other parent by feeling with her feet (ie kicking us) all night.
It is adorable. Why I am wanting her to grow up so badly- to be an independent sleeper? In some way it feels like it is a slipperly slope of requiring more of my time and space that I may be unable or unwilling? to give. I feel as a Mom I need to protect myself in some way from "losing it all" in the abominale pit of motherly duties.
So I pull back. I set boundaries. I lower my tolerance.
Today's scripture is when Jesus washed the disciples feet. He spoke of loving one another in a way that causes us to lay down our lives. I have drawn lines in "protection" of myself. Is crossing these lines what Jesus is asking of me?
There are so many questions around sleep that I have. Do you work towards your overall goal or just make it through the day? Right now, it's working for all three of us to have her fall asleep on her own in the big girl bed with "big girl" bobo and then like clock work she wakes in the middle of the night to move to our bed.
And when I say she wakes, she wakes screaming bloody murder and kicks and fails her body until we lay with her in bed. Forget a stop at the bathroom for Mama to pee, no way, that would be more drama.
Is she inately so intense or did our sleep training (when she was younger) scar her?
Would we do things differently if we did it again with Nori? with the new baby?
I guess why these questions weigh so heavily on me is because I feel in some way it is a sign of a successful parent to have a independent sleeping child.
Why do I feel that way?
Why do I feel like the nights of the three of us sleeping happily together are a failure? She loves now to wrap her arms around one of our necks as she in sleeping. She keeps track of the other parent by feeling with her feet (ie kicking us) all night.
It is adorable. Why I am wanting her to grow up so badly- to be an independent sleeper? In some way it feels like it is a slipperly slope of requiring more of my time and space that I may be unable or unwilling? to give. I feel as a Mom I need to protect myself in some way from "losing it all" in the abominale pit of motherly duties.
So I pull back. I set boundaries. I lower my tolerance.
Today's scripture is when Jesus washed the disciples feet. He spoke of loving one another in a way that causes us to lay down our lives. I have drawn lines in "protection" of myself. Is crossing these lines what Jesus is asking of me?
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Bye Bye Bobo= Hello Disaster
A week ago today, I left work went home and casually said "Bye Bye Bobo," just as we had rehearsed. The months of conversations were had. I illustrated and published a book!, for goodness sake, all culminating in this very important step of saying good- bye to Nori's pacifier. Truly, I thought we had been prepared for this. We were doing the right thing.
Boy, was I wrong.
We have had 6 nights of 2-3 hour screaming, vomiting, climbing out of the crib, and good old body slamming protest. The funny thing is that she never asked for Bobo. A few times she said through her sobbing, "No more bobo. Nori is a big girl."
So we went on. Back and forth between crib and big girl bed. Eventually we had to fall asleep with her either in our bed or her big bed.
Did she want the big girl bed because she associated no more bobo with no more crib, ie. baby bed? We felt that two transitions were too much at once. And it was. She crawls right out of the big girl bed and down the hallway she goes.
She is so incredibly smart that I know she understands what we are saying and what she needs to do. But she can't(won't) fall asleep on her own. I think at first she tried to. Now it just seems like habit- as soon as it is bed time- her body switches over to full protest mode. She becomes an animal acting to protect herself.
Did we do "cry it out" too much when she was younger? Did she learn that she has to be violently upset to protect herself? Does she trust us? So many agonizing questions between our tears, and her literaly glass shattering cries that have filled our house for a week.
Oh, and there hasn't been one nap in a week either.
Mind you, for the past year of her life there has been only 2 days I can recall she hasn't napped. And no memory, not one, of her not falling asleep on her own. When she has had ear infections, she wakes up later in the night upset, but goes to bed fine.
So- what on earth have we done? to her? to us? to our peaceful lives? to sleep?!!
Oh, how I wish I could go back in time 7 days. But we would never have known.
So, we pressed on every night, thinking something would give.
And yesterday, it did. As I passed the Rite Aid, I pulled in. I walked in and spent 7 dollars for two new, sparkly, party print, Bobos. You would have thought I was making a drug deal. I felt out of control excited at the prospects this piece of plastic could bring to me. I felt guilty as though I should hide them. Yet, I just wanted to hold them in my hand and believe. Believe my life's rhythm would return.
With as high an energy kid as Nori is, we rely, we thrive off her steady sleep schedule.
And now with all that out of the window, I am humbled. I am at my end and the begining of true motherhood - the place of sacrifice, bewilderment, and heart break.
We gave Nori the new Bobo last night and explained we realized she wasn't ready to say bye yet. To be honest, I expected a miracle, for me to lay her in the crib and to pretend that the last week was simply a bad dream.
But she was out of the crib in 10 seconds, now that her protesting has taught her that skill. She ended up in the big girl bed. But there was progress in that I sat next to her as she fell asleep instead of laying with her.
Hopefully, we can fade this out. I am tired.
And once again, I am humbled in awe of how little I can control things and overwhelmed at this task of parenting.
Boy, was I wrong.
We have had 6 nights of 2-3 hour screaming, vomiting, climbing out of the crib, and good old body slamming protest. The funny thing is that she never asked for Bobo. A few times she said through her sobbing, "No more bobo. Nori is a big girl."
So we went on. Back and forth between crib and big girl bed. Eventually we had to fall asleep with her either in our bed or her big bed.
Did she want the big girl bed because she associated no more bobo with no more crib, ie. baby bed? We felt that two transitions were too much at once. And it was. She crawls right out of the big girl bed and down the hallway she goes.
She is so incredibly smart that I know she understands what we are saying and what she needs to do. But she can't(won't) fall asleep on her own. I think at first she tried to. Now it just seems like habit- as soon as it is bed time- her body switches over to full protest mode. She becomes an animal acting to protect herself.
Did we do "cry it out" too much when she was younger? Did she learn that she has to be violently upset to protect herself? Does she trust us? So many agonizing questions between our tears, and her literaly glass shattering cries that have filled our house for a week.
Oh, and there hasn't been one nap in a week either.
Mind you, for the past year of her life there has been only 2 days I can recall she hasn't napped. And no memory, not one, of her not falling asleep on her own. When she has had ear infections, she wakes up later in the night upset, but goes to bed fine.
So- what on earth have we done? to her? to us? to our peaceful lives? to sleep?!!
Oh, how I wish I could go back in time 7 days. But we would never have known.
So, we pressed on every night, thinking something would give.
And yesterday, it did. As I passed the Rite Aid, I pulled in. I walked in and spent 7 dollars for two new, sparkly, party print, Bobos. You would have thought I was making a drug deal. I felt out of control excited at the prospects this piece of plastic could bring to me. I felt guilty as though I should hide them. Yet, I just wanted to hold them in my hand and believe. Believe my life's rhythm would return.
With as high an energy kid as Nori is, we rely, we thrive off her steady sleep schedule.
And now with all that out of the window, I am humbled. I am at my end and the begining of true motherhood - the place of sacrifice, bewilderment, and heart break.
We gave Nori the new Bobo last night and explained we realized she wasn't ready to say bye yet. To be honest, I expected a miracle, for me to lay her in the crib and to pretend that the last week was simply a bad dream.
But she was out of the crib in 10 seconds, now that her protesting has taught her that skill. She ended up in the big girl bed. But there was progress in that I sat next to her as she fell asleep instead of laying with her.
Hopefully, we can fade this out. I am tired.
And once again, I am humbled in awe of how little I can control things and overwhelmed at this task of parenting.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I am gonna be a big sister!
I can hardly wait. I love babies and taking care of them. I think Mommy's baby is stuck, it hasn't come out yet. I like to point out that Baby has TWO milks on Mommy's chest. I also like to tell other people where the baby will come out. Mommy and Daddy are getting my new room ready. I am so excited to sleep in a big girl bed. I also like to talk about how I am going to say "Bye Bye Bobo," because Bobos are for babies. I am not sure I am going to like that one.
Speaking of growing up, they are still trying to get me to use the potty, but I am not interested. Diapers are so much more convenient.
I like to say MINE to everything that I like. This doesn't go so well when I am playing with other kids my age. Mommy says she is sorry to the other Mommies a lot. Once I was saying MINE so much that another baby touched my face and I said "MY FACE." Mommy's instinct was to tell me, "share your body." Daddy got mad and said "NO- don't ever share your body." I think they are going to have some differences when I 'm a teenager!
One of my favorite sayings lately is "no home." I would much rather be on an adventure somewhere than at home. Every time I see a school bus, I want to get on. Mommy told me I have to go alone, because no mommies are allowed on the school bus. I told her it was because Mommies are too noisy.
I have had LOTS of ear infections this winter:( They make me wake up EARLY in the morning, like 4am. Mama is very grouchy and tells me that the sun is still sleeping. One morning I was even more grouchy than she was and just kept screaming at the sun to wake up. Mama says I am in charge of a lot of things, but not the sun.
Whenever I get an ouchie anywhere, I like to put the bandaid on my hand, then I can see it an it makes me feel better:) I go through about a box on bandaids a month.
Lately I have been taking my clothes on and off. Well, mainly off. It is harder to put them back on without getting stuck.
Yesterday when Mommy came into my room in the morning, I was completely naked. I was being very quiet and saying "shhhhh baby in mama's belly is sleeping."
Mommy laughed at me.
My other new saying is "soooooo happy to see you." when guests come over. And "thank you for coming," when they leave.
Oh- before I forget, I only have ONE more day with Bobo. Tomorrow is doomsday!! no more bobo????!! I will let you know next week how it went. I have a feeling I will figure out how to keep bobo.
Speaking of growing up, they are still trying to get me to use the potty, but I am not interested. Diapers are so much more convenient.
I like to say MINE to everything that I like. This doesn't go so well when I am playing with other kids my age. Mommy says she is sorry to the other Mommies a lot. Once I was saying MINE so much that another baby touched my face and I said "MY FACE." Mommy's instinct was to tell me, "share your body." Daddy got mad and said "NO- don't ever share your body." I think they are going to have some differences when I 'm a teenager!
One of my favorite sayings lately is "no home." I would much rather be on an adventure somewhere than at home. Every time I see a school bus, I want to get on. Mommy told me I have to go alone, because no mommies are allowed on the school bus. I told her it was because Mommies are too noisy.
I have had LOTS of ear infections this winter:( They make me wake up EARLY in the morning, like 4am. Mama is very grouchy and tells me that the sun is still sleeping. One morning I was even more grouchy than she was and just kept screaming at the sun to wake up. Mama says I am in charge of a lot of things, but not the sun.
Whenever I get an ouchie anywhere, I like to put the bandaid on my hand, then I can see it an it makes me feel better:) I go through about a box on bandaids a month.
Lately I have been taking my clothes on and off. Well, mainly off. It is harder to put them back on without getting stuck.
Yesterday when Mommy came into my room in the morning, I was completely naked. I was being very quiet and saying "shhhhh baby in mama's belly is sleeping."
Mommy laughed at me.
My other new saying is "soooooo happy to see you." when guests come over. And "thank you for coming," when they leave.
Oh- before I forget, I only have ONE more day with Bobo. Tomorrow is doomsday!! no more bobo????!! I will let you know next week how it went. I have a feeling I will figure out how to keep bobo.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
In TWO days I will be TWO
I can hardly wait. . . I LOVE birthdays and mine is coming soon. I have been singing "Happy Happy to meeeeee" for weeks now. Mama is trying to help me make "two" with my fingers, but I have a hard time holding the other fingers down.
Mama says I will be a BIG girl when I am two and not a baby anymore. For the most part I am happy to be a big girl, but I think there may be some challenges to growing up. For instance, they keep talking about saying "bye bye" to Bobo!! Bobo?! Really guys?! But I do notice that most kids my age don't have pacifiers anymore. Only babies do. And boy- do I LOVE babies. I have a couple of new ones I got for Christmas and Mama is right, it's a lot of work being a mommy. I have to change them, feed them, and hold their bobos in place. I also take them for walks with my new doll stroller.
Christmas was lots of fun. My favorite gifts were the stroller, hello kitty bandaids and big girl underwear. I think that is going require some growing up to- no more diapers?! I love to go potty at my friends' houses. Yesterday, during a birthday party, I snuck off the Porter's potty, pulled down my pants and went pee pee. Mama found me and laughed. But my own potty is not as exciting to me yet.
I got to play with my ALL my cousins over the holidays and it was so much fun. I learned the magic word "mine." It makes me feel so powerful. Mama says that the magic word is "please." But I think that is kind of boring. I also had a blast looking at LOTS of christmas lights, making a gingerbread house, and opening presents!!
I continue to take on the world full force. I don't have any separation anxiety anymore. Except for church. For some reason, I HATE playing with the kids in the nursery. So I get to stay with Mom and Dad in the sanctuary.
I have also learned to cuddle more. I love snuggling up and reading books with mom and dad with the blankets piled high.
I also feel like I understand concepts more and more. I am learning about "sorry" and how to wait for something. The other day, Mama stopped suddenly in the car and said "Sorry Nori" and I said, "Sorry groceries" to all the bags that were rolling around in the back. Mama couldn't stop laughing. In fact,almost everyday I see her laughing at me.
She can't talk about me in front of me anymore because I totally get what's going on. They started spelling a lot, but they forget- I'm two!! My brain has so many more synapses than theirs combined- I will have them figured out in no time.
Speaking of brains, they are trying to teach me colors, numbers and letters, but I am not so interested. I figure I have the rest of my life to do that boring stuff. I am saving all my energy for PLAYING which I love to do. I like cooking with Mama in the kitchen(wearing my apron), climbing, rearranging, pretending, and most recently coloring!! Mama said that her Christmas cookies were a little crunchy this year because of all the egg shells I put in.
I don't discriminate with toys- I like them all. Trucks (especially dump trucks), doll babies, trains, and my new kitchen set.I also rode on a real Choo Choo train over Christmas! Wow! I loved it.
I like eating more over the past month. Especially because Mama and Daddy are eating with me usually. My favorite part is saying AMEN! and holding hands.
Before I go, I have to tell you about the most MAGICAL discovery I have made in the past month- television! Daddy lets me watch Elmo on Youtube in the morning when he does my hair. Mama is usually out jogging and as soon as she comes home we put it away so she'll never know. Daddy calls it the "Elmo Spa" because I get to wear my robe and get my hair and nails done.
Well, gotta go. Bye bye to the baby days and hello to being a 2 year old!!
Mama says I will be a BIG girl when I am two and not a baby anymore. For the most part I am happy to be a big girl, but I think there may be some challenges to growing up. For instance, they keep talking about saying "bye bye" to Bobo!! Bobo?! Really guys?! But I do notice that most kids my age don't have pacifiers anymore. Only babies do. And boy- do I LOVE babies. I have a couple of new ones I got for Christmas and Mama is right, it's a lot of work being a mommy. I have to change them, feed them, and hold their bobos in place. I also take them for walks with my new doll stroller.
Christmas was lots of fun. My favorite gifts were the stroller, hello kitty bandaids and big girl underwear. I think that is going require some growing up to- no more diapers?! I love to go potty at my friends' houses. Yesterday, during a birthday party, I snuck off the Porter's potty, pulled down my pants and went pee pee. Mama found me and laughed. But my own potty is not as exciting to me yet.
I got to play with my ALL my cousins over the holidays and it was so much fun. I learned the magic word "mine." It makes me feel so powerful. Mama says that the magic word is "please." But I think that is kind of boring. I also had a blast looking at LOTS of christmas lights, making a gingerbread house, and opening presents!!
I continue to take on the world full force. I don't have any separation anxiety anymore. Except for church. For some reason, I HATE playing with the kids in the nursery. So I get to stay with Mom and Dad in the sanctuary.
I have also learned to cuddle more. I love snuggling up and reading books with mom and dad with the blankets piled high.
I also feel like I understand concepts more and more. I am learning about "sorry" and how to wait for something. The other day, Mama stopped suddenly in the car and said "Sorry Nori" and I said, "Sorry groceries" to all the bags that were rolling around in the back. Mama couldn't stop laughing. In fact,almost everyday I see her laughing at me.
She can't talk about me in front of me anymore because I totally get what's going on. They started spelling a lot, but they forget- I'm two!! My brain has so many more synapses than theirs combined- I will have them figured out in no time.
Speaking of brains, they are trying to teach me colors, numbers and letters, but I am not so interested. I figure I have the rest of my life to do that boring stuff. I am saving all my energy for PLAYING which I love to do. I like cooking with Mama in the kitchen(wearing my apron), climbing, rearranging, pretending, and most recently coloring!! Mama said that her Christmas cookies were a little crunchy this year because of all the egg shells I put in.
I don't discriminate with toys- I like them all. Trucks (especially dump trucks), doll babies, trains, and my new kitchen set.I also rode on a real Choo Choo train over Christmas! Wow! I loved it.
I like eating more over the past month. Especially because Mama and Daddy are eating with me usually. My favorite part is saying AMEN! and holding hands.
Before I go, I have to tell you about the most MAGICAL discovery I have made in the past month- television! Daddy lets me watch Elmo on Youtube in the morning when he does my hair. Mama is usually out jogging and as soon as she comes home we put it away so she'll never know. Daddy calls it the "Elmo Spa" because I get to wear my robe and get my hair and nails done.
Well, gotta go. Bye bye to the baby days and hello to being a 2 year old!!
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